Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Reaching in the Bowl with a Dry Hand

Today I, for the gazillionth time, made a comment to the woman I live with about a particular bowl in her kitchen (and various other places in the house). It's not the typical bowl one finds in the cabinet. No matching floral patterns, no chips in the ceramic, no fancy-shmancy anything. In fact, it grew out of the ground, the insides dried all up, someone cut it in half and -Tada!- vegtable to kitchen accessory in one (ok, more than one) fell swoop.

So, this crazy bowl floats around the house. It appears out of nowhere at the most unsuspecting moments. Walk walk walk walk -Blam!- the bowl's underfoot. Move the mail off the table and -Poof!- there's the bowl. How it hid under the envelopes, I do not know. David Copperfield must have snuck in through the floorboards, or the drain, or on the neck of that stupid fly that's buzzing around.

You see the bowl, it's in the picture. Yes, your eyes are not mistaken, it is indeed sitting on the piano. See? SEE? And you thought I was lying about how it pops in and out of places. Just seconds before it was hiding on the floor next to the reclining chair watching the news.

Speaking of the news, the world is being sucked into a powerful whirpool called the flush function of the toilet. You ever dropped something in the toilet while it's flushing? Bad feeling, eh? Let me educate you on the three universal steps to losing something in a flushing cammode.

Step 1: Your item of choice is falling. You know it's going to land in the toilet. You can't stop it. Slow motion kicks in, and your mouth opens but sound hasn't come out yet.

Step 2: The aforementioned item splooshes into the twirling water. [Cue audio]: "Noooooooooooooo!!!!" You reach into the bowl of the toilet, never get wet, and think that was a good effort to retrieve said item.

Step 3: The toilet water is almost gone and -Shhhhhh Gloosh!- your item is officially gone too. You close the lid and get on with your day.

That's what's happening to our world right now. We're experiencing step too. We're stuck in the twirling water, yelling "Nooooo", but doing nothing more than reaching in the bowl with a dry hand. Don't get me wrong, I have friends over seas in combat who I pray for every night... but is war really getting us anywhere? Each side of this mega issue is losing their loved ones. Our leaders would be a lot more productive by sitting down together and discussing things.

Of course, food would have to be involved. Imagine Osama Bin Laden (or any other oppressive anti-American head-of-the-pack dude) and President Bush dining together. By golly, food could save the day...

Bush: "Osama my man, this is some tasty cheesecake. Did you make this?"

Osama: "No sir, it's store bought. Pretty good for being purchased if I may say so."

Bush: "Hot-diggity-dog yes it is. Where'd you purchase this? I must get some for the whitehouse shin-dig next week."

Osama: "Why, I bought it at Costco on the way here. Could really use one of those markets back home."

Bush: "Ok Osama, I'll cut you a deal. We'll build you some o' those stores if you'll share with me the recipe to the chicken we ate earlier. Mmmm-mmm, I know that was home cooked for sure."

Osama: "Sir, that wasn't chicken. It was horse, the other other white meat. You don't need the recipe, you already have it in your grandmother's old recipe box."

Bush: "How is that possible, my new friend?"

Osama: "Our grandmothers were pen-pals back in the day. Traded recipes like kids with baseball cards."

Bush: "Man, we're practically family then. Why were we fighting?"

Osama: "Beats me. Care for a mint?"

And there you go folks, world peace thanks to fattening food (cheesecake), places that sell food (Costco), and people that make food (grandmothers). Now that we have the type, source, and preparers for the food that will regain world peace, we must figure out the perfect table setting for it. They say the dishes can make or break a good meal. Y'know, there's this nifty bowl floating around the house...

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