Thursday, August 6, 2015

How To Use My Rice Cooker

I think I'm having a "Throwback Thursday" moment, or whatever kids are calling it. Gosh darn it, social media has ruined our vocabulary!


A few years ago, I lent my old Japanese rice cooker to a friend for a few weeks. Since she had never used a rice cooker before, I included the following (warning: dry humor ahead) instructions for her:

Eh, this rice cooker thing is pretty easy to use.

When putting rice/water in the “bowl” part, just be sure it is out of the cooker first; the one time I didn’t do that I nearly killed the sucker.

The one button on the rice cooker has a small vocabulary and communicates 3 things.

  1. When the button is level and not lit up:
 “I’m not plugged in!”

  1. When the button is tilted and lit up:
 “I’m cooking your rice, be patient! Rice being cooked unattended is a miracle – miracles take about 30 to 40 minutes. Deal with it.”

  1. When you hear a –Click!– and find the button is level and lit up:
 “Your rice is ready, I’m keeping it warm, get your butt over here and eat!”

A rice cooker is pretty much a Crockpot with a low GAF score. [If you’re unfamiliar with mental health assessment terminology, this probably wasn’t funny to you. Eh, your loss.]

The American way of cooking white rice in a cooker:

The best ratio is 2:3 rice to water (2 cups rice to 3 cups water, 3 cups rice to 4 ½ cups water, etc.).

  1. Add measured amounts of rice and water to the bowl, rinsing it first if you desire.  Replace bowl in cooker. 
  2. Put on lid. 
  3. Push down Button. 
  4. Wait for the –Click! –
And then there’s the right… I mean Oriental way of cooking white rice in a cooker:

  1. Add enough rice to the bowl so that if were to put a finger in it the rice would come up at least to the first knuckle, rinsing it first if you desire.
  2. Lightly shake the bowl to level out the rice.
  3. Put your pointer finger straight down in the bowl, touching the rice with the tip.
  4. Add water until it reaches the first knuckle.
  5. Replace bowl in cooker.
  6. Put on lid.
  7. Push down Button.
  8. Wait for the –Click! – 
Brown rice has issues.  Sometimes it works just like white rice and other times it takes more water.  Good luck experimenting.

Random commentary for the heck of it:
I recently saw a chart confirming that Americans have the highest BMI average in the world.  It also illustrated that people of Oriental descent take the lead in covering the lowest BMI average in the world, and several close to it. 

So, why are fat Americans so friggin’ eager to ditch white rice for brown? Millions of people much healthier eat white rice ALL THE TIME.

If the argument is about fiber… meh, I don’t buy it.  If they are eating enough fruits and vegetables each day per the basic food pyramid, fiber should be a moot point.  Brown rice vs. white rice is not going to make a difference.  If they’re doing all that and still feel like they need “help” to “go”… what makes them think brown rice is synonymous with PRUNES?

They need to “go” alright… to a doctor!

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