As long as it's your best...

Life is like one's favorite board game; you do your best with what you've got and hope it doesn't end too soon.

I don't anticipate complications with the gallbladder surgery being done at 7:30 am today, but every time I discount it as a minor surgery and nothing to worry about people pipe up with, "There are risks with any procedure blah blah blah blah blah".

I was fine tuning that out until I went to sign pre-op paperwork yesterday. After 3 pages of "initialing here" to indicate that I understand each and every risk that may happen but probably won't, I'm feeling some little level of uneasiness.

I thought I'd keep this briefer than my normal posts because it's superiorly too late at night and I have to be at the hospital by 5:30 am tomorrow... but we all know that's impossible.

To reiterate a point made earlier, my life of 25+ years thus far has been like my favorite board game. I've been doing my best and I really would rather it not end too soon.

In the event that it were to, I'd go with very few regrets if any at all. I'd hope my family and friends would always remember how much I love them and have faith in the belief that I know someday after all is said and done, friendships will continue and families can be forever united.

There is a God. I like to refer to Him as Heavenly Father for He is the father of our spirits. Once we all lived with Him, together as a literal family of spiritual beings. We were doing very well and were living good lives. We were missing something though, a test of faith. Heavenly Father had a plan to create a world for His children to dwell on and be tried and tested to see if we would draw our strength from Him, endure to the end in righteousness and return to His presence.

A mortal life lacking memory of our spiritual pre-mortal experience would be hard, grueling and we would make mistakes. Heavenly Father sought for a child of His who was willing to be perfect in His doings, selfless beyond comprehension, an extender of mercy and to himself be sacrificed in order to fulfill the law of justice so all of Heavenly Father's children would have a chance to make amends while striving for better but living less than perfect lives. Our elder brother Jesus Christ took on the role saying, "Father, send me" and fulfilled the law of justice in all our steads by taking on our every sin and burden, suffering for them and dying at the hands of men whom he blessed for they knew not that they were killing their Savior.

I know Christ lives, that He walked and talked and blessed people after having been resurrected, breaking the bands of physical death. We are all promised that opportunity, to be saved from physical death through resurrection. It's like we're all given a "get of jail free" card without having to roll the dice or move our game piece to get it. Avoiding spiritual death or suffering is a whole different story though. We will be judged on our faith, our works, our hearts, our minds... so many things within our control yet so often neglected and abused.

I urge you to go forth and exercise faith, do good, soften your heart, cultivate your mind and find a straight and narrow path leading somewhere worth your while and follow it. Do your very best climbing the proverbial mountain of trials and tribulation. As long as it's your best fight, your best climb, your best effort.... one day Christ will reach down, grasp your hand and pull you up the rest of the way from whatever point you were able to get to, making up the difference. This folks, is my favorite illustration of mercy.

God be with you all till we meet again. I'm sure it will be in the next week at work or church or wherever. But... on that far-fetched chance that it's not, I promise not to be far away and I will surely see you later.

Love,

Joanna

In Memory of Jay Reed

A friend of mine from Maryland, Jay Reed, passed away last Sunday, February 17th. I found out on Thursday the 21st.

I'm still in shock, I cry.

Remembering his quiet presence, I cry.

Recalling his smile, I cry.

Thinking about how much he loved his family, I cry.

No more multi-page email exchanges with him, I cry.

No more grand discussions on life and love, I cry.

Looking forward to visiting Maryland in the next year or so... I may inadvertently look for Jay in the crowds at church and listen for his tender raspy voice... and I will cry once more.

Jay, I know you are in a better place now, but I sure will miss our chats and all the lovely comments we trade on our photo albums. You've helped me miss Maryland a little less, and now... I'm missing it even more. Think God will install email or Facebook for you.... just this ONCE?

Love you man, keep a seat warm for me up there.

Nearly 13 years...

Gordon B. Hinckley

• A couple months shy of 13 years ago, this great man was called of God to serve as the prophet, seer, and revelator for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

• After church on Sunday, I heard word that He had passed away just hours before.

• I didn't completely believe it.

• The little child that exists in all of us, no matter what age, told me it couldn't be so.

• Sadly, it was.

• President Gordon B. Hinckley passed away Sunday evening at home with his family at the age of 97, making him the oldest living prophet the church has ever had.

• Now he is not only with Heavenly Father again... but he has now rejoined his wife and eternal companion. How great is that? I think it's absolutely wonderful.

In Memory Of...

Montrose Slade Caltrider

I received an email today from a dear friend of mine. Her step-father peacefully passed away this morning in the loving arms of his wife.

What a wonderful way to go.

I used to live with this family. helped around the house and with Slade. He had Parkinson's and was not very mobile.

In Slade's honor, I'd like to write some memories that are forever burned in my heart, and now also into the trappings of the World Wide Web.

My memories of Slade:

He loved his wife.

He was always so proud of his grandson.

He really REALLY liked chocolate.

He also liked gingersnap cookies. I used to hate gingersnaps but since I spent time with Slade, they have risen to my favorite cookie zone, second only to oatmeal-raisin.

He forgot my name a lot and used to call me Josie. It was cute, always made me smile.

The man was a genius.

He was witty and would crack a joke out of nowhere leaving everyone rolling.

He loved the sunshine.

He enjoyed history. We spent an entire afternoon once watching 'Sparticus' on the History Channel. It came on again the following week and what did we do? We watched it again.

I watched more news shows with Slade than I have in the rest of my life all together. Our favorite was Glenn Beck who is like a columnist, but on television.

He taught me about Nascar. I never thought I could watch cars drive in circles for hours, but with Slade it was tolerable.

He liked the feeling of having his hair brushed.

His laugh was jovial and contagious.

Whenever I pushed his wheelchair, since I'm from Alaska, he would yell out, "Mush! Mush!" as if he were driving a dog team.

He was very hard-shelled regarding having pets. However, one day he opened up and told me about a dog he grew up with and loved very much. That story came up once, and only once.

He liked red hair. I think that's what initially won him over when I moved in. That and the fact that I was from Alaska.


I have many more memories stored in my heart... and they will be there forever.

Thank you Slade, for touching my life.

May you enjoy your time in such a peaceful place.

"God be with you till we meet again."

Better to Have Loved and -Poof!- Lost, Than to Have Never Loved

I want to tell y'all a story about someone in my life and why it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved.

It's been about a year and a half since this story took place, and I have been trying to journal it for a long time. It was too difficult for me to put into written words and I gave up. Earlier this week I was writing a letter to a friend who's on a mission and I was able to finally write about my experience.


Now, I share it with you (with names changed, as usual).

In Utah I took care of a woman named [Connie]. We used to sing in the shower. When she got cold she made sounds like a motor boat. We liked to laugh a lot. She was fairly lucid, only slight mental problems. She also suffered from congenital heart failure. I got to work one day and she wasn't there. She had been taken to the hospital. Her pulse was racing. The doctors at the hospital gave her an injection to slow it down. It threw her into cardiac arrest and was put on life support. I didn't have to ask to leave work, my boss told me to go see her. I left and found my dear friend in the cardiac intensive care unit (CICU) buried under a pile of tubes and monitors. I sat by her, and grieved until I felt ok letting her die. It was her time and this was no way to live her final days. I even said, "[Connie], go ahead and leave. It's ok to go now."

Nothing happened so I kept talking to her. The nurses continued telling me she couldn't hear me because she was without oxygen so long that everything upstairs was dead. I had to sit in the waiting room during the shift change that night. When I went back to [Connie]'s room it was near the time that visitors have to leave. Cardiac ICU doesnt even allow family to stay the night, let alone care attendants. I sat with her a little longer and while preparing to leave for the night, one of the nurses came in and invited me ot stay with [Connie] overnight. He explained that during the shift change, while I had to be in the waiting room, [Connie]'s vitals dropped to more dangerous levels and when I came back in her room, they got better.

I stayed by her side for three days and three nights. I slept in her wheelchair and only left during shift changes to eat and potty. While I slept that first night, the staff removed [Connie] from the life support. She spoke to me when I woke up. She told me stories and jokes. We laughed like we always did. We sang, we cried, and she was improving amazingly. The staff admitted that they didn't know how all this was happening. I knew [Connie] had a strong spirit.

The third night came and went and the next day she had more visitors from the assisted living home. They insisted that I take a break and go do something to take my mind off things. [Connie] had people there, and she was doing so well that the doctor was getting ready to transfer her to a different floor. I said ok and a friend took me to a movie. We saw The Polar Express. Before leaving [Connie]'s room I gave her a hug and a kiss on the forehead and told her I'd be back soon to tell her about the movie. I walked out her door, stopped, turned around, and said, [Connie], I love you. She looked at me and said, I love you too.

Driving back to the hospital after the movie, my cell phone rang. [Connie] passed away. The 10-minute drive turned into a 5-minute one. The security guard knew me and didn't stop me as I ran in hysterically crying. I got to [Connie]'s room and there she was. She looked like she was sleeping, like any second she'd wake up and ask for her diet coke that was still sitting on the counter with a straw in it. I crawled into the hospital bed with her. She was still warm.

It was beyond my belief. She was there and doing better, and then -poof!- she was gone. Those in the room said she was staring at something and just went. I thought it was my fault. If I hadn't left, maybe she wouldn't have slipped away. The nurse that had me stay with [Connie] came to me and told me she had been waiting for me to feel comfortable enough to leave her side for a while.

[Connie] could have easily passed away when she was on life support and everyone treated her like she was dead anyway. But she didn't. She proved all the doctors wrong and gave me three of the most enriching days of my life. Her spirit knew I needed her influences those last few days, even when I didn't realize it myself. The first night when she was on life support, I told her to go but my spirit must have called her to stay.