THAT is the woman I see in the mirror...

I was the bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding two weeks ago. I told the photographer, also a friend of mine, that I would happily be in any photo as long as I never have to see them.

And then yesterday happened.

The photos were uploaded to Facebook. I have been off and on again close to tears since seeing them.

I see myself in the photos, and that is not the woman I see in the mirror each morning.  The photo with this post... THAT is the woman I see in the morning. She's fluffy, but she's adorable and has a bit of pizzazz in her step.

I’m pretty real with myself about my body image. I know I am overweight, I have struggled with this my entire life… and I know it takes the world’s opinion about my level of attractiveness and kicks it in the shins. However, the photos made me feel like the ugliest and most unwanted person on the face of the earth (and it wasn’t the photographer, she did a great job on the wedding photos).

The last time I saw the clock before going to sleep, it was about 2am. I woke up multiple times during the night and come 7am, I got up with no alarm because I had nightmares about the photos all night and didn’t want to return to them. I arrived to work at 8:40am.  To most, this is a fairly normal arrival time.  For me… well, it was significantly early for my I’m-not-a-morning-person 10am-6pm schedule.

My anxiety triggers are generally anything to do with motor vehicles, and large groups of people/social situations.  Apparently, so is my body image.  I try to be strong and tough about it, but it is getting more difficult to cope with. 

I work hard to eat healthy. Heck, I eat healthier than most of my thinner friends. Seriously. Not fair? Yeah, I know. Exercise is something I need to work harder to include in my life; I know this. I have heard often that with weight loss, it’s like 80% diet and 20% exercise – so you’d think I’d be able to tackle this better.

Case in point, I am going to start a new chapter of becoming well again.

I’m tired of everything, and changes need to be made.  I’m especially tired of the last few years of being treated like a guinea pig/lab rat by various medical providers. Between the aftermath and effects of being hit by that drunk driver almost 10 years ago, my weight, and multiple misdiagnoses regarding what’s going on in my brain (currently we're down to temporal lobe seizure activity, anxiety, and possible PTSD)… I’ve been medicated off and on with several variations of poison for the last 5 years.  I’ve been put on Dextroamphetamine (Dexedrine), Lamotrigine (Lamictal), Tegretol (Carbamazepine), and the most recent round was Celexa (citalopram) – and it destroyed me.  I gotta tell you, the Lamotrigine and Celexa were the worst. Oh. My. Heck.

My next neurology appointment is in June, with an MRI scheduled during May.  I’m going to call my neurologist next week and tell him I don’t want to be put on any other medication until I see him again. Until then, I will be doing a cleanse and exploring some natural/homeopathic options for the anxiety, which will include working to get my weight down. I can’t control what happens on the roads, or how I react to social situations, but my weight… that’s something I can (with great effort) control. Right? Right???

Wish me luck, send over some prayers, and everything will be OK.

Read Me. I contain the words Teddy Bear, Cajole, Luddite and Nosh in one single post.

I have been busy, tired (as illustrated), and quiet lately. On here, that is. Ask anyone at work and they will tell you I've been rather vocal, at appropriate times, of course.

Here is a quick (or not so quick) update:

In mid-October Mango and I moved into a condo with my friend Laurie who works on the North Slope half-time, loves Mango, and is dating one of my best guy-friends around so life on the home-front is pretty sweet.

Y'all know about the belly dance performance in November 'cause I wrote about that in the last post. Over Thanksgiving I house-sat for a family in town with a big hairy dog named Bandit. For some reason I have not been able to say "no" when they ask me regardless of my schedule or sanity breaking point. I'm a softy and yes, Bandit and I are again spending Christmas and New Years together. This time, he's going to get a chance to meet Mango. He's an obnoxious very friendly dog, and she's a curious cat who plays fetch. Sounds like a match made in Heaven to me.

This is the last week of finals for UAA, though I was done last week, and I found out that I got an A in Psychology and a B in Human Services. Next semester I will not be enrolled at UAA as I will be focusing on my certificate program through New York Institute of Photography. I need to finish that before I do anything else.

I donated money to the AWAIC (Abused Women And Infants in Crisis) shelter through a United Way fundraiser at work last month and was entered into a drawing to win a round-trip ticket anywhere Alaska Airlines flies. Let me tell you how often I win things: I won a large teddy bear from a drawing at Walmart that I don't remember entering when I was 17. I won an electric toothbrush at the health fair at work in October (and gave it to Laurie because I had just bought myself a Sonicare system). And then a few weeks ago I hear this over the intercom at work:

"And the winner of the drawing for the round-trip ticket is... Joanna Dickerson!"

First I was in shock, then I casually made fun of our receptionist for mispronouncing Dickson.

Everyone has been inquiring as to what I'm going to do with the ticket. Well people, I think I have made up my mind. I need to speak with our HR department first, but if I can, I will be flying to New York City and back with the free ticket. While in New York City I will visit an old roommate and her husband and son, see at least one Broadway show with a friend from Maryland who said he will come see me from Boston where he is now living, perhaps see my cousin Andy if I can cajole him into a visit from Upstate, and then hop a plane for Ukraine.

Yes, you read that correctly, I'm going back to Ukraine. It has been 8 years since I visited the first time and it's high time I go back. Misha and Nataliya are in Kiev so I plan on being there most of the time. I do hope to hop a train and go to Marganets and visit the school I was at, Misha's mom, the unofficial school for kids with disabilities, and my old host family too.

This trip will knock out a at least two items from my running list of things to do before I die (published on the bottom of my blog). How fantastic is that? Even better, the traveling and things I will be around (especially in Ukraine) will work to my advantage in regards to the NYIP program.

Trips, list of things to do... oh yes, and in March I will be traveling to Nome with a friend to see the end of the Iditarod, another thing on my list of things to do before I die.

Also, tomorrow (or perhaps it's today 'cause it's past Midnight) after work I am joining my friend, co-worker, and fellow belly-dancing sister in celebrating Hanukkah (or Chanukah). Yes, I am skipping my church Christmas party to learn about the traditions of people whose beliefs are quite similar to my own LDS ones. And no, she is not Jewish. The best description I have for my friend and those who worship like her is... Messianic Believer. They heavily study the Torah and adhere to the old ways and at the same time utilize the whole Bible and believe in Christ as their Savior. A few Fridays ago she came and spoke at a regular Friday luncheon we hold at the LDS Institute of Religion. It was fantastic, she was great, and the Spirit was strong in that room and for the rest of the day. Friday evenings (as able) for me are spent with my friend and her husband enjoying Hebraic dancing before settling down for Torah study followed by Nosh (to eat a snack). See, Mormons aren't the only ones with food at their gatherings.

On the flip-side of all this glee:

1. Two months back my old cell phone sat in rush-hour traffic for about 40 minutes being run-over and survived, then crapped out a couple weeks ago.

2. I've had 1 (ONE) official date in the last year and a half.

3. I accidentally dropped my new phone on the floor at work sending the back, the base, and the battery in separate directions. Right after that moment my boss walked into the cubicle and I looked at him with an "Oh-boy-I-hope-he-doesn't-see-the-disaster-I-just-created" look on my face while attempting to stifle laughter. He knows my faces well and called me on it so I pointed to the floor. In a questioning manner, he called me a luddite. Look it up.

Wait, one more thing!!! (Where's my OFF button?)

Speaking of work, this month right about now marks my one-year since changing positions at work from Job Coach to Service Plan Writer. In February 2010 I will have been working for Assets, Inc. for 2 years. Where has the time gone? And for everyone's bit of useless Joanna Trivia, before now the longest I stayed in one employment situation was 11 months. Yes, that was my official record. That's not bad compared to my nomadic moving habits. I haven't lived anywhere longer than 8 months after leaving home in early June 2003 (except the 10 months I lived at home again upon my return to Alaska in '07).

Ok people, that's it today.

"...trying to let her shine a little, that's all."

As far as my newest challenge is going, reports are good. I have been thinking good things about my body and find myself caring less about what others think. Not that I really cared much before. If someone is willing to stoop low enough to have a problem with my appearance, that's their own issue. They obviously aren't worth my time.

I did a very mini wardrobe overhaul a few weeks ago (small steps... small steps). I got brave and tried some clothing styles that are different for me. I needed a cleaned up, I-really-do-care-about-myself, semi-causal yet professional look... and I think I've found one that I like.

Before the overhaul, I even treated myself to a haircut. I gave the stylist freedom to do whatever she wanted as long as she kept some reasonable length to my hair. She gave me some distiguishable layers, side-swoop bangs... and I like 'em! It's amazing how much a hair change can affect a person. I think it helps me look more 23 (my age) and less 16 (which is where I have been guessed at on more than one occasion within the last year).

You see, change is not bad. It can be quite good. However, it's best when done for one's self and nobody else. And even then, maybe "change" isn't the best desciption...

I'm not changing into a different person... I am refining the person I am. There's this great confident put-together young lady inside that has been hiding for years and years. I'm trying to let her shine a little, that's all.

Having missed chicken...

My first meal with meat/dairy/eggs in it again was a chicken sandwich at Applebees this evening with friends from church.

It surely was no gourmet meal, but I admit to having missed chicken... which made it grand.

What have I learned from all this?

Meat ought to be a delicacy, or at least something special in a meal.

Meat is hard to digest, it takes more energy to do so, and right now I feel like I have a ton of bricks sitting inside my stomach. I do not plan to eat so much meat in one sitting again. It just doesn't sit well anymore.

The less dairy products I consume, the better I feel. I plan on keeping dairy to a minimum from now on.

I've learned that I can accomplish things that I set out to do, no matter how odd.

My friends, aside from fun teasing, are very supportive of my "low-risk adventures".

Hot chammomile tea and fruit can be just as fulfilling as hot cocoa and pie at 2am when it means spending time with a guy who holds my interest.

One more.

I got to eliminate one more thing from my "Things To Do Before I Die" list featured at the bottom of this blog.

Yay!!!

Which one was it?

GO TO A HOCKEY GAME

Saturday evening my father and I went to a hockey game between the Alaskan Aces and Canada's Victoria Salmon Kings.

We were gifted two buddy passes to an Aces game for Christmas. When I found this out I almost shed a tear realizing that one more item on my list would be taken care of, with no prior planning for it.

It was fun. I took my dad to dinner before the game and we enjoyed good times talking and laughing... and eating ourselves silly (it's Wednesday and I still feel full, ha ha).

I'm not much of a sports spectator... but I learned that I wouldn't mind a job in sports photography!

We were one row away from the rink, and sitting right next to the Zamboni. Great eh? I took some mad photos! Most of them look as if I were on the rink (I whipped out my good zoom lens).

Problem?

I took nearly 800 photos.... which means I have to invest some time SORTING through them and pulling out the best ones and trashing all the ones that didn't work out. (Meaning it's gonna be a good while till anyone sees anything.)

I'm into still-life, well behaved people, and whatever-else-that-doesn't-move-fast photography. However, I learned a lot on Saturday and think I may pick up a new interest in sports.

Watch out, the world isn't nearly ready for me!!!

Sharing some thoughts...

I once wrote, "...there's a reason and a season for everything. As to what's gonna happen in the next six months... year... 5 years... it's in God's hands. I'm just gonna go with the flow."

I still stand behind that 100%.

Over the last few years I've been through a lot... good and bad... and if I had it all to do over, I wouldn't change one thing. We, each of us, are on a great adventure called LIFE. Some patches are rough and seemingly unbearable. Others are easy breazy and silky smooth. Without one, we wouldn't know and appreciate the other. Opposition in all things is a necessity for understanding and gaining the capability to live life to the fullest.

I have been blessed with a good family, and I love them very much. I am so very grateful for my friends and the blessings they are in my life. Being so far away from home, my friends don't just feel like family... they ARE family... and I love it.

I am grateful for God, my Heavenly Father, The Man Upstairs... whatever one chooses to call Him... He is always there for us, His children. He watches over us and guides us, but allows us to make our own choices. Whenever I may feel lonely, it's not God who has stepped away from me... if there's ever any distance... it's mine.

I know that our elder brother, Jesus Christ, created this wonderful and beautiful world for us under the direction of our Heavenly Father. I know that He came to this world a mere mortal babe and grew to a mighty man who worked endless miracles, blessed the children, and who died for all mankind to be saved from physical and spiritual death... the latter dependent upon our own 'performance' and what we carry in our hearts while here on earth.

Take care, and God bless.

Before I Die

Things I want to do/accomplish before I die:
(As of August 11, 2006)

Publish a book

Go parachuting

Marry the love of my life for all time and eternity

Be a mother

Serve a mission

Visit Singapore

Be featured in a photographic art show

Compile all my geneology

Find something worthy of protesting in Washington D.C.

Lead a kick-butt protest in D.C. covered by CNN

Train a dog to use the toilet

Build a tree house for my future children

Learn to belly dance

Compete in a triathalon

Sponsor a soup kitchen for the homeless

Grant a child's wish from the "Make A Wish Foundation"

Save a cancer patient with my bone marrow

Sleep in a barn with all the animals

Pull the train whistle in a moving locomotive

Learn to scuba dive

Pet a penguin

Join a rowing team

Meet a famous stuck-up actor and pretend I have no clue who they are

Learn to hula-dance

Live with an Amish family

Drive a red Mustang convertable in the summer with the top down on I-80 with my mom in the passenger seat.

Walk down a spiral staircase wearing a pretty dress

Learn to read braille

Become a summer counselor for muscular dystrophy camp

Graveyard walk in Sicily

Go back to Ukraine

Go to a minor league baseball game

Dressed accordingly, purchase produce at a market in the middle East

Do the makeup for a deceased person before the funeral

Visit Alcatraz

Write a letter while sitting at the president's desk in the oval office