THAT is the woman I see in the mirror...

I was the bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding two weeks ago. I told the photographer, also a friend of mine, that I would happily be in any photo as long as I never have to see them.

And then yesterday happened.

The photos were uploaded to Facebook. I have been off and on again close to tears since seeing them.

I see myself in the photos, and that is not the woman I see in the mirror each morning.  The photo with this post... THAT is the woman I see in the morning. She's fluffy, but she's adorable and has a bit of pizzazz in her step.

I’m pretty real with myself about my body image. I know I am overweight, I have struggled with this my entire life… and I know it takes the world’s opinion about my level of attractiveness and kicks it in the shins. However, the photos made me feel like the ugliest and most unwanted person on the face of the earth (and it wasn’t the photographer, she did a great job on the wedding photos).

The last time I saw the clock before going to sleep, it was about 2am. I woke up multiple times during the night and come 7am, I got up with no alarm because I had nightmares about the photos all night and didn’t want to return to them. I arrived to work at 8:40am.  To most, this is a fairly normal arrival time.  For me… well, it was significantly early for my I’m-not-a-morning-person 10am-6pm schedule.

My anxiety triggers are generally anything to do with motor vehicles, and large groups of people/social situations.  Apparently, so is my body image.  I try to be strong and tough about it, but it is getting more difficult to cope with. 

I work hard to eat healthy. Heck, I eat healthier than most of my thinner friends. Seriously. Not fair? Yeah, I know. Exercise is something I need to work harder to include in my life; I know this. I have heard often that with weight loss, it’s like 80% diet and 20% exercise – so you’d think I’d be able to tackle this better.

Case in point, I am going to start a new chapter of becoming well again.

I’m tired of everything, and changes need to be made.  I’m especially tired of the last few years of being treated like a guinea pig/lab rat by various medical providers. Between the aftermath and effects of being hit by that drunk driver almost 10 years ago, my weight, and multiple misdiagnoses regarding what’s going on in my brain (currently we're down to temporal lobe seizure activity, anxiety, and possible PTSD)… I’ve been medicated off and on with several variations of poison for the last 5 years.  I’ve been put on Dextroamphetamine (Dexedrine), Lamotrigine (Lamictal), Tegretol (Carbamazepine), and the most recent round was Celexa (citalopram) – and it destroyed me.  I gotta tell you, the Lamotrigine and Celexa were the worst. Oh. My. Heck.

My next neurology appointment is in June, with an MRI scheduled during May.  I’m going to call my neurologist next week and tell him I don’t want to be put on any other medication until I see him again. Until then, I will be doing a cleanse and exploring some natural/homeopathic options for the anxiety, which will include working to get my weight down. I can’t control what happens on the roads, or how I react to social situations, but my weight… that’s something I can (with great effort) control. Right? Right???

Wish me luck, send over some prayers, and everything will be OK.

Having missed chicken...

My first meal with meat/dairy/eggs in it again was a chicken sandwich at Applebees this evening with friends from church.

It surely was no gourmet meal, but I admit to having missed chicken... which made it grand.

What have I learned from all this?

Meat ought to be a delicacy, or at least something special in a meal.

Meat is hard to digest, it takes more energy to do so, and right now I feel like I have a ton of bricks sitting inside my stomach. I do not plan to eat so much meat in one sitting again. It just doesn't sit well anymore.

The less dairy products I consume, the better I feel. I plan on keeping dairy to a minimum from now on.

I've learned that I can accomplish things that I set out to do, no matter how odd.

My friends, aside from fun teasing, are very supportive of my "low-risk adventures".

Hot chammomile tea and fruit can be just as fulfilling as hot cocoa and pie at 2am when it means spending time with a guy who holds my interest.

3 Hours 9 Minutes and Counting....

It's 1 minute till noon, I have the day off, and I have merely hours till I can eat meat, dairy, and/or eggs once more.

I will write about it all later, just wanted to make an excited quick note!!!!

PS.

My father made cookies and left them on top of the stove.

When I first saw them them I thought, "Oh goodness, there sits chocolate, milk, and egg ridden yummy creations."

And then...

I realized they were not at all a temptation.

So I took a picture with my phone and decided to share.

Enjoy. Or not.

19 DAYS AND COUNTING

It's the counting part that has it's crazy moments.

I'm gauging the time on this "no dairy, no eggs, no meat" adventure in accordance with the countdown ticker at the bottom of the blog.

I technically started on January 18th, but it was in the middle of the afternoon. I created the countdown thing a little later.

So, regardless of dates, I'm ending my low-risk adventure when the ticker tells me to. It says I have 19 more days and a couple hours left. I'm sticking to that.

By the way, everything is going pretty well with the adventure. A lot of my friends tease me about my craziness, but they are supportive at the same time. Thanks guys!

People need to realize that I'm not supporting PETA. I don't agree with their extremest views. They just happened to be the hosts of the first vegetarian/vegan short-term I'm-accountable-to-somebody challenge I came across. I see some valid points PETA makes (abuse of animals, poisons in meat, etc.) but have it known that I DO support hunting and fishing for sustenance. If you kill it, use as much as you can... and use it properly.

So, again, I have 19 more days and I'm doing well. I've learned two new things about hidden ingredients in the last week:

1. Restaurant's vegetable (tomato etc.) soups have chicken stock in them.
2. A number of purchased granola bars are made with powdered milk.

Crazy. What the heck it chicken stock doing in VEGETABLE soup???? Can't the vegetarians and vegans in the world enjoy a cup of soup anymore? Can you imagine all the animal lovers out there? "Yes, I would love some tomato-basil soup." But you and I both know they are consuming derivatives from their good friend the CHICKEN! Akkkk! It's insane!

And then the milk in the GRANOLA bars.... oh never mind. You don't want me to go there.

Survival #2

I took the missionaries out to dinner tonight.

Restaurant experience #2 gone veggie - and not earth shatteringly difficult.



The goal while loading my bowl at the Mongolian barbecue place was to be as colorful as possible. (That's my food cooking up there!)

The man who cooks the food and -Swoosh!- shoots it off the flat grill and perfectly back into the bowl was happy to let me take photos. He even looked right at the camera for this one. In his hand is my bowl and my food recovering from being attacked by centrifugal force.

My veggies were so yummy!

Also available (and eaten, mind you) were veggie rolls, seasoned potatoes, peaches, and oranges to compliment my meat, dairy, and egg-less dinner.

I'm full of yummy food up to my eyebrows! 26 days left! BRING IT ON!!!

Veggin' Out.

27 days left of NO MEAT, NO DAIRY, and NO EGGS.

I ate out today with friends for lunch.

It was an exciting challenge to eat out at a sushi place... and not eat any fish! I LOVE fish!

What did I consume?

Avocado.

And it was good.

30 Days

I have the day off today from work and thought I needed yet another adventure.

Considering my track record, I've decided to go low-risk.

I signed an online pledge to go vegetarian for 30 days...

Just for the heck of it.

Want to join me? I put a link to the right so you can participate too...

And a countdown calendar at the bottom of my blog so you can keep up!!!