The Healer's Art - A Burden Made Light

On September 25th, 2005 a man in Maryland got in his car after drinking and changed my life forever.

My last memory before waking up with my car crushed like a soda-pop can ready for recycling was of a sign I passed a mile before I was hit. I still remember nothing other than the sound of screetching tires; a sound that is the background music for my nightmares. Investigators deduced from tire marks on the road and my impecable driving record, that my little 1993 4-door Suzuki Swift was stopped at a red light and the man hit me going 65-75 miles per hour with no attempt to slow down; the screetching tires I heard were MY tires.

My right leg is deformed from an unusually large femoral artery hematoma that did not reabsorb as predicted, which turned into a mass of scar tissue nobody really wants to operate on.

I know what it feels like to hit something with such forward force that one's sternum breaks, and the agony of waiting an entire year for the ability to finally breathe, laugh, cough, and sneeze without literally wanting to die.

This is why airbags were invented. Sadly my car didn't have them.

The force of my body bouncing back off the steering wheel broke my seat. I woke up laying down.

The sternum break alone partially disabled me from the waist up for multiple months. I had to buy paper plates and other disposable dishes and utensils because I physically couldn't lift a dish, wash it, and put it in the dish drainer. I can't even describe the torture of basic hygiene tasks; I once sat in my old clawfoot tub for well over an hour bawling because I couldn't figure out how to get up without using my arms.

I bawled through plenty of other embarassing tasks as well.

My stubbornly independent self was compelled to be humble because I was dependent on the kindness of others for many things. Lee, a homeless man in the neighborhood, helped me with my laundry each week at the Laundromat in exchange for pocket change and the opportunity to be indoors with me while we waited for the clothes to get done.

I was fired for the first (and only) time from my job.

I walked about 20 blocks round-trip twice a week through downtown Baltimore's infamous North Avenue, the (or one of the) largest drug-trafficking areas in the nation in order to get to physical therapy because most of the bus drivers refused to serve me due to my white skin.

Yes, that really happened.

I was diagnosed and on medication for 6 months (felt like an eternity) for Bipolar II.  In December 2012 my psychiatrist ordered an EEG on a hunch and discovered I was misdiagnosed.

Turns out I have temporal lobe seizures (primarily caused by traumatic brain injuries) which manifest themselves with emotional/behavioral symptoms often identical to those who suffer from Bipolar, depression, anxiety, etc.

Fortunately the blackouts/unexplained lapses of time I kept experiencing tipped the psychiatrist off that something else was actually going on.

Unfortunately I may never be able to eat grapefruit again (it messes with the seizure meds I'm on).

Even 8+ years later, that one man's poor choice to drink and drive haunts my every waking moment. I have no doubt that it always will.

Do I forgive the man who did this?

Of course. We all make mistakes and poor choices, and we are expected by God to forgive all our trespasses; seventy times seven, and again. I can't argue with that. I also cannot honestly report that forgiveness happened overnight. It was a very slow and emotionally draining process. To my dismay, the proverbial weight of this burden was not made lighter despite the sincerity of my forgiveness years ago.

And then today happened.

One conversation with the right person can be life changing.

You know that light, almost-fluttery, somewhere between excitement and nervousness, breathless feeling you get in the borders of your heart right before tears of joy appear?

Yes, thaaaat feeling.

That is what it feels like; to be relieved of the last chunk of a burden you've been hefting around for exactly 8 years and 6 months to the day.

Joy; this is what true joy must feel like.

I leave you to ponder the message from "Lord, I Would Follow Thee", hymn 220 from the Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints; my lullaby of March 25, 2014:

Savior, may I learn to love thee,
Walk the path that thou hast shown,
Pause to help and lift another,
Finding strength beyond my own.
Savior, may I learn to love thee— 

Lord, I would follow thee. 

Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can’t see.
Who am I to judge another? 

Lord, I would follow thee.

I would be my brother’s keeper;
I would learn the healer’s art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
I would be my brother’s keeper— 

Lord, I would follow thee.

Savior, may I love my brother
As I know thou lovest me,
Find in thee my strength, my beacon,
For thy servant I would be.
Savior, may I love my brother—

Lord, I would follow thee.

Sister In Zion

On Monday evening I found these lovely flowers sitting on my car....



And a note with chocolate truffle kisses under my windshield wiper....

Here's the note:

I nearly cried. What kindness was passed to me.

The whole note and flowers thing is up the alley of stuff I like to do for other people...
it was nice to be on the recieving end of it for once.

Thank you so much to whomever you are. I needed that more than you may know.
God bless.

Five good things

I am so glad to back in the social work field working hard and serving others. As inspired by some clients I work with, here are some things I want to share with cyberspace today:

1. Every person has something to offer the world.
2. No matter what one has done, does, or will do... they posses great value.
3. Anyone can teach another something new.
4. A sincere smile is heart-warming and bridges even the widest divisions.
5. Life is wonderful! Really, it's unquestionably beautiful.

Breakfast Post

This is an I'm-multi-tasking-eating-breakfast-and-posting-in-my-blog-at-the-same-time morning.

That one I promised about the trip with my dad to get my car? Don't worry, it's coming... eventually.

Just a quick update on life:

I AM KEEPING VERY BUSY.

(Thank goodness.)

The dating scene is gone - don't cry about it. I just had the feeling, intuition, whatever you want to call it, that I shouldn't be dating the young man I was. About a week ago I called it off. I'm sure billions of women around the world, if they knew, would come and kick my tail-end over it. He's a really nice and caring guy, and so many women out there never encounter such kindness in a relationship. We just weren't meant to be, and that's that. 12/20/2007 Note: Any hint of kindness abruptly ended one week after the breakup. He went off his rocker. Scared the crap out of me for weeks... and when I say 'scared' I mean it. I just don't get it. This is the time in our lives where dating and breaking up is normal, and part of the process to find that one special someone. It hurts sometimes, but it is to be taken in stride and not used as an excuse to harass and stalk people.

People are already starting to dabble in my personal dating (or non-dating) life. Some get thrills from setting people up. Word to the masses:

I'm not one to be on the prowl in regards to dating.

I'm not even really looking - just living.

Doggone it, I barely even have time to eat breakfast, let alone date. Speaking of which, I have to run to work NOW.

Have a great day.

From disaster to goosebumps of joy... this covers it all.

Sunday morning was disastrous. Saturday evening was pretty frightening too.

I returned home from work around 11pm on Saturday and discovered that the front door was completely unlocked. No big deal except that my parents were out for the weekend... and there were a bunch of rotten apples all over the front entry of the house... and there was a paper ghost and a bag of candy on the front porch... and the dog was whimpering at the back door when I came in the garage. Holy cow, what broke loose? Why can't life just be normal for once. Never. Nada. Nuh-uh. On my time clock, normalcy does not exist.

I would have grabbed the dog and escaped to my friend's house for the night if it weren't for the fact that the parents have a security system on the house. The front door was unlocked, but was (thankfully) neither opened nor entered between the time my parents left the house and the time I returned to it. If it had been... I may have come home to find cops there waiting for me. Wouldn't that have been fun? I mean, 'Wouldn't that have been fun.' It was a statement of sarcasm, not a question. I love the English language.

Rotten apples. Well, uh, there were bags of apples on the front walkway of our house from the lady who shares the back fence. Someone (*cough*DAD*cough*) brought them inside and left them on a seat near the front door. He must have wanted to attract flies because half of them were ROTTEN.

I'm sure the paper ghost and bag of candy was a ding-dong-ditch effort. According to the note, someone at church was continuing a spread-the-holiday-fun tactic and left it on our porch after having the same done to them. For the record, I fully support cool stuff like this. However, the ding-dong part of the fun (and this is my theory) made the dog go crazy. In her crazy state near the door barking her butt off, she must have bumped the seat where the bags of apples were causing them to topple over on her, and all over the front entry way... hence the apple catastrophe and the whimpering dog upon my arrival.

Never ever ever a dull moment. Oh, it gets better.

I calmed the dog, brought the ghost goodies in, and deposited the apples back outside. Order was restored.

Until Sunday morning.

I came downstairs, after having budgeted my sleep to ensure a perfectly timed morning. I walked into the kitchen and -Sploosh! Glossh! Squirsh!- someone installed a pool where the kitchen had been... and doggone it, they forgot to heat it! Brrrr....

The water line to the freezer's ice-maker busted earlier in the week. Luckily, it was while the parents were still up and it flooded, but not TOO much. Dad fixed something the next day and all was well. Sunday morning, apparently it busted again. For all I know, the stupid thing had an aneurysm 2 minutes after I went to sleep and was leaking ALL NIGHT LONG. I spent my morning removing water from the floor and carpet, moving the refrigerator, and being drenched with explosive cold water while trying to reach the shut-off valve.

Again, never a dull moment.

I did everything I could, and managed to get myself out of the house only 20 minutes behind my targeted time. My motivation was the insanity... I had to g-e-t- a-w-a-y.

Upon leaving, I opened the garage and noticed that... it snowed. That very Sunday, October 7th 2007, for the record, was the first snow for Anchorage, Alaska this year. It was a mere light dusting, but hey, nearly 2 days later it's still here. It makes me almost proud that it is so hardy, yet at the same time I'm upset. I was hoping it would hold out at least another 2 weeks before any snow set foot here at sea level. Grrrrr. I mean, 'Brrrrrr'. Nope, I do mean, 'Grrrrrrr'.

Keep reading after the photos....

So, despite all the happenings of the weekend, it was an excellent one. Sunday I was really cheerful after I was able to leave the house. Y'know, lately I have been in a great mood, wonderful even.... and it just occurred to me that the title of my blog itself may just seem appropriately applicable at this moment. Oooh, I have goosebumps. You see, I have begun dating a very nice guy up here. He's different. He's cautious, careful, charitable, and considerate. He loves his family and has a good relationship with them. He's respectful and chivalrous. He listens, but he can also hold his own in a conversation. He's thoughtful and kind. He's honest, and voices his opinion. Best of all at the moment... his presence, his light, in my life is causing me to smile a whole lot, to feel happy, joyful, and elated.

Indeed, "One person can make a difference"...

We are equal.

On Saturday two boys came into the photo studio asking for hard candy. They could have been up to trouble or just being pesky... but I had a feeling they were seeking to help someone having a diabetic attack.

I was right.

There was a woman sitting on the bench outside the studio who was very ill, I could tell by the sound of her voice. I had scrounged up some hard candy from my coworkers and she already had one dissolving in her mouth.

The boys who came in for the candy were absent from the scene. I inquired as to whether or not she knew them.

She didn't.

Their mother had noticed this woman's pailing face and lethargic countenance and recognized what was going on. The boys came in for sugar while the mom sat with her.

I made a comment about how great it was that even in Waldorf, Maryland, there are kind and wonderful people still left in the world.

"Oh, I'm not from here," the woman said. "I'm from Tennessee."

I shared that I'm from Alaska and then added that I went to school for a bit in Utah and how I am so glad to be back in such culturally diverse surroundings since Utah was just too white for me.

Open mouth, insert foot.

She looked at me and said, "That's what I'm used to. This... this is not the place for me. I'm so uncomfortable here. I can't wait to be back home."

How terribly sad I was the rest of my shift that night. The boys that came into the studio and literally saved this woman's life by finding some hard candy for her were nice, polite, helpful, kind, and... beautifully colored.

If only she could see that and grasp onto it... that it makes no difference what appearance a person has, we're all people who are equal in every way.

An Ode to Exemplary Kindness

Reminder: All names have been changed. I'm not putting them in any sort of bracket or quotation marks, they are disruptive to my posts. If you happen to put two and two together and figure out who any of these people are, great. You'll love them even more after I'm done writing.

I've had many good days in my life. Wonderful and glorious days! Today was the first day in a very long time that I truly did not...

...I did not want to see it end.

Last night I danced till I was nearly dead. I crashed at Beth's house and hit the pillow at 2:30 in the morning. Beth's alarm clock, and my cell phone alarm, both rang at 5 o-clock sharp. Yes, in the morning. In thirty minutes we were dressed, she ate a nutri-grain bar, and we were in my car headed to the church to meet my friend Jason so we could drive an hour North, meet up with more people, and drive another 2 or so hours to gather with many more LDS young single adults in the area and innertube down a river for 2 hours.

Five thirty-five and Jason was still not there. I figured he miscaluculated the time it takes him to get to the church building, which happens often to both of us. I picked up my cell phone to give him a buzz and he got me first. The ring scared the crap out of me.

"Hello Jason! Where are you?"

"I fell asleep after turning off my alarm... I just got out of bed."

"Are you coming or what?"

"It will take me too long to get ready and drive there. You guys will be late."

"Forget being late, do you want to come?"

"Yeah, I really wanted to go."

"We're coming to get you. I'll call back when I'm closer. Get ready fast."

"You don't have to. You'll be late."

"We won't be late. Get ready."

"Ok. Thanks."

Jason was out his door one minute after Beth and I arrived (we timed him). He asked if Beth and I had eaten breakfast. Beth proclaimed her nutri-grain bar as her meal. I admitted to not eating yet. Jason handed me the extra granola bar he had with him. One hour later we met up with three of our friends at the stake center. They were waiting for two more passengers. My friend Kate called and Beth, Jason, and I zoomed to pick her up and head to the tubing adventure (after, of course, Jason and I meticulously shoved all the crap taking up half the back seat into my already full trunk).

Kate had just met Jason today. Beth had just met Kate today. Jason and Beth had met before. I met Kate a year and a half ago, Beth three months ago, and Jason two months ago. The conversation was pretty constant the entire car ride to our destination. Upon exit from the car, we lathered ourselves with sunblock. Jason and I won the "hi-my-skin-is-translucent" award... and proceeded to put even more sunblock on. The four of us traded our tickets for colored bracelets, innertubes, life jackets, and a ride on a white bus to the river.

The time floating down the river was miraculous. We were out there a long time. We got soaked. We laughed. We joked around. Jason and I quickly knew that with sunscreen or not, we were going to look like lobsters. Oh well, it was worth it.

We got separated for a while. Kate and Beth's tubes caught a strong current headed in one direction, and mine and Jason's tubes caught a strong current going the opposite way. The currents flowed around a huge rock formation where a lot of people were out of the water and gonking around. Jason and I figured the two of them were fine and we'd catch them on the other side so we relaxed and let ourselves float wherever we were taken. We encountered some rapids and my tube flew out from under me. I rode the rest of the rapids 2 feet behind my innertube. Ouch, not fun, but hilarious when I finally hit relatively still water. Jason bravely came to my rescue and there I was all smiley. When we didn't meet up with our tubing buddies as we thought we would, we headed to the rocks to see if we could spot them with a higher view point.

Jason must have found a good spot to hop up on the rocks 'cause he was up fast and then disapeared in the search. The rocks were very steep, and slippery. There was no way to get a foothold underwater to propel myself up. Stubborn me, I pulled myself up with just my arms. Jason appeared on top of another big rock and waved to tell me he found our buddies. While waving back I discovered a lot of blood covering my forearm. Oops, sliced up my elbow pretty good when pulling myself out of the water. Didn't hurt, just got all bloody. Now I'm part of the Earth, left a lot of DNA in that river.

Jason came back for his innertube. He wanted me to jump off the rock with him and belly flop onto our tubes. Did I? Heck no! I'm a natural party pooper, it comes easy to me. I turned around put my behind in the middle of the tube, sat down in the water, and we joined up with Kate and Beth just around the bend. The four of us stayed together until we were done floating down the river. It was grand. Warm water, good friends, and a free peanut butter and jelly sandwhich afterwards thanks to whomever was in charge of the institute/young single adult activity.

The writing about this wonderful day has ended. The cyber ink stops here... and begins again here to share with you the day I wish could have continued forever.

Beth is an amazing girl. She is one of my friends that I adore. Adoration doesn't come easily from me. It is a special form of love geared toward those I know are true conquerers and who stand tall even when the world says they stand out a little. Beth stands tall. She is a dedicated college student, extremely familiar with the gospel, and man, you should hear her sing. She sings like an angel, clear and seamless, though she stutters when she speaks. I believe it's a good thing... with Beth I listen better than with some who are perfectly articulate.

From the beginning, Beth and her innertube weren't traveling down the river quite as quickly as the rest of us. Her efforts to paddle just made things worse. Kate, Jason, and I were downstream significantly, effortlessly being carried by the current. I looked at Jason and asked what we should do. He said, "Let's go get her".

We got ourselves upstream to Beth and the four of us grabbed each others' innertubes, hands, feet (whatever was closest) and took off. We made a good effort to travel connected but it wasn't working that great. We let go and Beth floated ahead for a few feet. Jason commented, "If we can't float together, let's just make sure Beth stays in front. We can push her if that's what it takes."

That's exactly what it took. Pushing, pulling, frequently resting, and getting our butts stuck on rocks we may have avoided had we thought only of ourselves. We played musical innertubes when we crossed over large slippery rock formations by foot so that Beth could focus on walking without worrying about juggling something else. After going over rougher waters, we'd all sit up in our tubes and make sure Beth made it through without capsizing. When Beth fell behind after a strong current, Jason would hurry upstream, she'd grab the handle of his innertube, and he'd help her get to where we were bobbing along. It was a grand reunion each time.

Women tend to come complete with a heavy dose of motherly tendancies. We are natural helpers and protectors. I knew Kate and I were going to go back and travel with Beth at the beginning when her innertube decided it was gonna be a pill. No question about that. Though we differ on our opinions about single's cruises, we're two peas in a pod when it comes to how we treat other people. It's the men in my life that I'm always curious about. Hence why I asked Jason at the beginning what we should do. Regardless of his opinion, I was going back for Beth. I was expecting either a.) he'd choose to continue down the river alone and meet up at the end, or b.) he'd wait in a shallow spot until Kate, Beth, and I caught up. I got c.) Totally wow.

From the 5:35 phone call this morning on, Jason demonstrated the most exemplary "oh-my-gosh-does-this-guy-really-exist?" kindness today. I was truly blown away. There are two little things that change empathy to compassion... desire and action. The desire to lift anothers' burdens and then embarking to do so. An empathetic guy would notice Beth a little behind and recognize that it probably sucks being the last one all separated from the original group of tubers. He'd figure she'd eventually catch up, all is well.

A compassionate guy... did more today.