The Healer's Art - A Burden Made Light

On September 25th, 2005 a man in Maryland got in his car after drinking and changed my life forever.

My last memory before waking up with my car crushed like a soda-pop can ready for recycling was of a sign I passed a mile before I was hit. I still remember nothing other than the sound of screetching tires; a sound that is the background music for my nightmares. Investigators deduced from tire marks on the road and my impecable driving record, that my little 1993 4-door Suzuki Swift was stopped at a red light and the man hit me going 65-75 miles per hour with no attempt to slow down; the screetching tires I heard were MY tires.

My right leg is deformed from an unusually large femoral artery hematoma that did not reabsorb as predicted, which turned into a mass of scar tissue nobody really wants to operate on.

I know what it feels like to hit something with such forward force that one's sternum breaks, and the agony of waiting an entire year for the ability to finally breathe, laugh, cough, and sneeze without literally wanting to die.

This is why airbags were invented. Sadly my car didn't have them.

The force of my body bouncing back off the steering wheel broke my seat. I woke up laying down.

The sternum break alone partially disabled me from the waist up for multiple months. I had to buy paper plates and other disposable dishes and utensils because I physically couldn't lift a dish, wash it, and put it in the dish drainer. I can't even describe the torture of basic hygiene tasks; I once sat in my old clawfoot tub for well over an hour bawling because I couldn't figure out how to get up without using my arms.

I bawled through plenty of other embarassing tasks as well.

My stubbornly independent self was compelled to be humble because I was dependent on the kindness of others for many things. Lee, a homeless man in the neighborhood, helped me with my laundry each week at the Laundromat in exchange for pocket change and the opportunity to be indoors with me while we waited for the clothes to get done.

I was fired for the first (and only) time from my job.

I walked about 20 blocks round-trip twice a week through downtown Baltimore's infamous North Avenue, the (or one of the) largest drug-trafficking areas in the nation in order to get to physical therapy because most of the bus drivers refused to serve me due to my white skin.

Yes, that really happened.

I was diagnosed and on medication for 6 months (felt like an eternity) for Bipolar II.  In December 2012 my psychiatrist ordered an EEG on a hunch and discovered I was misdiagnosed.

Turns out I have temporal lobe seizures (primarily caused by traumatic brain injuries) which manifest themselves with emotional/behavioral symptoms often identical to those who suffer from Bipolar, depression, anxiety, etc.

Fortunately the blackouts/unexplained lapses of time I kept experiencing tipped the psychiatrist off that something else was actually going on.

Unfortunately I may never be able to eat grapefruit again (it messes with the seizure meds I'm on).

Even 8+ years later, that one man's poor choice to drink and drive haunts my every waking moment. I have no doubt that it always will.

Do I forgive the man who did this?

Of course. We all make mistakes and poor choices, and we are expected by God to forgive all our trespasses; seventy times seven, and again. I can't argue with that. I also cannot honestly report that forgiveness happened overnight. It was a very slow and emotionally draining process. To my dismay, the proverbial weight of this burden was not made lighter despite the sincerity of my forgiveness years ago.

And then today happened.

One conversation with the right person can be life changing.

You know that light, almost-fluttery, somewhere between excitement and nervousness, breathless feeling you get in the borders of your heart right before tears of joy appear?

Yes, thaaaat feeling.

That is what it feels like; to be relieved of the last chunk of a burden you've been hefting around for exactly 8 years and 6 months to the day.

Joy; this is what true joy must feel like.

I leave you to ponder the message from "Lord, I Would Follow Thee", hymn 220 from the Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints; my lullaby of March 25, 2014:

Savior, may I learn to love thee,
Walk the path that thou hast shown,
Pause to help and lift another,
Finding strength beyond my own.
Savior, may I learn to love thee— 

Lord, I would follow thee. 

Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can’t see.
Who am I to judge another? 

Lord, I would follow thee.

I would be my brother’s keeper;
I would learn the healer’s art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
I would be my brother’s keeper— 

Lord, I would follow thee.

Savior, may I love my brother
As I know thou lovest me,
Find in thee my strength, my beacon,
For thy servant I would be.
Savior, may I love my brother—

Lord, I would follow thee.

The Plowman and the Seeds



"We are here, purposefully. We have divinity in our path. We have trials to make us stronger." 

To my friends who do not share the same beliefs as I, please, keep reading.  For those who do share my beliefs, I'm forgoing common courtesy and just saying it: keep reading.

I desire to just sit down and write this out, with minimal regard to tangential explanations of things some may not understand.  If I go into great detail about everything that possibly is new to you, as the reader, you may quit reading because I'm long-winded (yes, even more than you can already tell). Therefore, I have meticulously linked everything that may bring a question to your mind, to an answer or at least some extra information.  Please, click away!

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it is easy to get caught up in the "culture" of the church: social activities, service projects, temple work, classes to teach, people to visit, planning committees, etc.  We are, for the most part, quite productive people.  Sometimes this gets the best of us, and often it affects our studies.  We use the same books of scripture that our brothers and sisters of other Christian faiths use (Old Testament and New Testament), plus the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price.  Since Christ is our Savior, and the Book of Mormon is a 2nd witness/another testament of Him (as well as the keystone of our religion), we tend to read it... a lot.

I confess that in my efforts to read and study from the Book of Mormon regularly, all the other books of scripture have been sadly neglected, unless I am cross-referencing something for additional insight or preparing to speak in church.  Study the New Testament and you will find that Isaiah of the Old Testament is quoted the most of all the  past prophets; Christ himself quotes from Isaiah.  The same is true in the Book of Mormon and Doctrine of Covenants; Isaiah is, in the language of our teens, "like, totally, The Man!" (OK, maybe that was only the lingo when I was a teenager.)  So, why don't we study his teachings more?

This has been on my mind lately as I have had the amazing opportunity this semester to attend the 2nd half of a 2-part Old Testament class at the Anchorage LDS Institute of Religion.  I have been an active participant in the LDS Institute of Religion program for the past 9 years, in 3 different states. Previous to attending Institute, I graduated from the LDS Seminary program after 4 years of early-morning study before high school each day.  Point being, in the last 13 years of regular and structured scriptural study, this is sadly only the 2nd time I have come to the realization that I absolutely LOVE the teachings of Isaiah.

Class this evening was particularly eventful for me.  I was either laughing because Brother Bacon (our amazing teacher and director of the Institute) is hilarious, or I was on the verge of tears.  The middle ground between the two emotions was minimal.  Clarity of mind, something I am not always known for, was my companion during class; oh how grateful is my heart tonight!

Are you still awake? Yes? Awesome, because here comes the GOOD stuff.

I was immediately drawn to a passage we read aloud in class, Isaiah 28:23-29, which reads:

23 Give ye ear, and hear my voice; hearken, and hear my speech.
24 Doth the plowman plow all day to sow? doth he open and break the clods of his ground?
25 When he hath made plain the face thereof, doth he not cast abroad the fitches, and scatter the cummin, and cast in the principal wheat and the appointed barley and the rie in their place?
26 For his God doth instruct him to discretion, and doth teach him.
27 For the fitches are not threshed with a threshing instrument, neither is a cart wheel turned about upon the cummin; but the fitches are beaten out with a staff, and the cummin with a rod.
28 Bread corn is bruised; because he will not ever be threshing it, nor break it with the wheel of his cart, nor bruise it with his horsemen.

Amazing? Indeed. We are all here in this life with a great purpose.  Our Heavenly Father has a plan, and has us precariously placed where we need to be, when we need to be there, so we can come to realize and reach our greatest potential.  The preparations made for us, the type of people we are, and the trials that we must endure to help us grow and become stronger... our circumstances are individualized. Our Heavenly Father is the plowman; we are the seeds.


Terry B. Ball, former dean of Religious Education at BYU, spoke at a devotional in 2008 addressing multiple things that can help one to obtain a spiritually strengthened education.  His last point of discussion was about being observant; "Develop the habit of regularly observing or considering how the things you are learning from your studies can be informed by the gospel and, conversely, how your understanding of the gospel can be informed by the things you are learning."  Ball is a good example of someone whose understanding of the gospel was informed by things he learned in school.  He continues: "Though I am a professor of ancient scripture, I have a bachelor’s degree and a PhD in the field of botany. That training has been a wonderful asset to me in my scripture study, especially of Isaiah. By my count, Isaiah uses more than 300 botanical metaphors in his prophecies."

And this, folks, is why more of Terry B. Ball's wisdom appears below.  He has an excellent and clear explanation of the scriptures quoted earlier, a simple way of explaining some of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints' most basic beliefs, and I just couldn't get enough of his wisdom.  He said the following regarding Isaiah 28: 23-28:

"Obviously Isaiah is trying to do something more here than teach us about Old Testament agriculture. I believe Isaiah wants us to liken the farmer to our Heavenly Father and the seeds to ourselves. Have you ever wondered why you were born where and when you were born? Why were you not born 500 years ago in some primitive aboriginal culture in some isolated corner of the world? Is the timing and placing of our birth capricious? For Latter-day Saints, the answer is no. Fundamental to our faith is the understanding that before we came to this earth we lived in a premortal existence with a loving Heavenly Father. We further understand that in that premortal state we had agency and that we grew and developed as we used that agency. Some, as Abraham learned, became noble and great ones (see Abraham 3:22–23). We believe that when it came time for us to experience mortality, a loving Heavenly Father, who knows each of us well, sent us to earth at the time and in the place and in circumstances that would best help us reach our divine potential and help Him maximize His harvest of redeemed souls.

 Therefore, some of you are fitches and cumin. You were born and raised in tight-knit and supportive communities, and you are a vital and contributing part of those communities. Others of you are wheat. You have been placed in exceptionally fertile and promising places because God, who knows your special potential, is counting on you to produce so much. Some of you are barley and rie. You have been placed in some difficult circumstances and have perhaps had to face handicaps and hardships, but God knows you. He knows your needs, your hearts, and your abilities, and He knows you can reach your divine potential, even in the face of great trials. Perhaps it is those very trials that will help you reach your potential, or perhaps He allows you to face those trials so you can help others reach their potential. Some of you may be zucchini: It would not matter where you were planted, you would grow and flourish and produce extraordinary amounts of fruit to be foisted upon unsuspecting neighbors."

I highly recommend reading Terry B. Ball's speech in its entirety, which you may do easily if you have taken me up on the suggestion earlier to "click away" (I've linked the speech to a few things you can click on in order to read the whole thing... like THIS link right here).

I would like to have Isaiah of the Old Testament, and Terry B. Ball, conclude this with a message of hope, comfort, and promise that we can all hold in our hearts to treasure in this busy, blustery, and thankfully still beautiful world we live in.  Goodnight, and happy reading!

 Isaiah 35: 4, 8-10:

4 Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompence; he will come and save you.
8 And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness; the unclean shall not pass over it; but it shall be for those: the wayfaring men, though fools, shall not err therein.
9 No lion shall be there, nor any ravenous beast shall go up thereon, it shall not be found there; but the redeemed shall walk there:
10 And the ransomed of the Lord shall return, and come to Zion with songs and everlasting joy upon their heads: they shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

Terry B. Ball:

"The point is that God knows you and loves you and that if you will trust Him and involve Him in your life, then He will see that you have the challenges and opportunities—the threshing—that will help you realize your fullest potential. These are wonderful truths, perhaps taught better in this passage of Isaiah than anywhere else in the scriptures."

Temples

I was going to write about my impromptu trip to the temple on Friday evening but instead would like to share this YouTube "Mormon Messages" video with all my friends. Enjoy.

Click here or go to http://youtu.be/-x_-TQivCx8 to view the video.

Healing Balm

Barely an hour after my last post I got a phone call from my best friend, Johanna.

God has His ways of keeping us whole, did you know that?

BEST FRIENDS ALWAYS HAVE A WAY TO MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER.

Today Johanna's healing balm consisted of this phrase: "I'm having a baby today".

God is good, really good.

3 for 1 Special

Are you a believer?

I am waitressing very very part-time now, as my regular work week is keeping me quite busy.

Last Saturday I worked at the restaurant and I was taking an order for a large party. During the entire time I was writing, I noticed a woman staring at my server book, wherein I keep a picture of Christ ministering unto the children.

When I brought her a drink refill, she mentioned that she saw the picture earlier and asked in a whisper, "Are you a believer"?

The question delivery and word application was a little... different than I'm used to. After tooling it around in my mind for a second, I whispered back, "Why yes, I am".

I B L8

On Sunday I was helping a friend out by accompanying her beautiful singing in a special musical number she performed for her ward's (congregation) sacrament meeting at church. This was at 3pm and located in South Anchorage. At 5pm I was needing to be back to my side of town so I could teach in my ward's Relief Society (a women's Sunday school class).

One hour to get from point A to point B is a grand amount of time, but for some reason I felt like I left my friend's ward a little later than I should have. Part-way to my destination, I had this feeling that I was going to be late. I was worried and amidst my minor panic, a truck pulled into the lane in front of me.

Of all the things the truck's personalized I-like-to-distract-other-drivers license plate could say, it offered me no comfort with "I B L8".

Fiber anyone?

One of my clients works for an after-school program. Therefore a few afternoons a week, three hours at a time, I'm with this client at the school. Around children. Enough said.

Today a kid came into the program with a l-o-o-o-n-g piece of paper with protruding pieces of paper at one end, and a pointed piece at the other. He had made a paper scorpion.

He was playing with it, and trying to "sting" my arm and make me squirm. I played along, even though it's not REALLY my job to interact with the kids. I mean, come on, what do you think I am? Nice? Never.

Seeing kids using their imaginations in this time of video games and crap like that is rather rare these days. This little scorpion thing was rather charming until...

The kid totally ATE it. Yeah, he ATE it. Want me to say it again? He ATE it!!! Yes! All three flippin' feet of paper that it was!

As much as I am not a fan of video games, at least if a kid takes of chunk out of a controller or something, electricity will do it's thing and teach 'em a lesson.

The paper, well... that won't bite back until later.

In Memory of Jay Reed

A friend of mine from Maryland, Jay Reed, passed away last Sunday, February 17th. I found out on Thursday the 21st.

I'm still in shock, I cry.

Remembering his quiet presence, I cry.

Recalling his smile, I cry.

Thinking about how much he loved his family, I cry.

No more multi-page email exchanges with him, I cry.

No more grand discussions on life and love, I cry.

Looking forward to visiting Maryland in the next year or so... I may inadvertently look for Jay in the crowds at church and listen for his tender raspy voice... and I will cry once more.

Jay, I know you are in a better place now, but I sure will miss our chats and all the lovely comments we trade on our photo albums. You've helped me miss Maryland a little less, and now... I'm missing it even more. Think God will install email or Facebook for you.... just this ONCE?

Love you man, keep a seat warm for me up there.

Nearly 13 years...

Gordon B. Hinckley

• A couple months shy of 13 years ago, this great man was called of God to serve as the prophet, seer, and revelator for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

• After church on Sunday, I heard word that He had passed away just hours before.

• I didn't completely believe it.

• The little child that exists in all of us, no matter what age, told me it couldn't be so.

• Sadly, it was.

• President Gordon B. Hinckley passed away Sunday evening at home with his family at the age of 97, making him the oldest living prophet the church has ever had.

• Now he is not only with Heavenly Father again... but he has now rejoined his wife and eternal companion. How great is that? I think it's absolutely wonderful.

A Tribute

Here's a tribute to our soldiers and workers who are out and about around the world doing their thing, protecting some, losing some, and missing their friends and families.

My friend's father is in Afghanistan. She was married on October 26th, 2007. Though her brothers were able to make it home from abroad for the wedding, her father wasn't there to walk her down the aisle.

Thanks to modern technology, he was there to meet and talk to her husband, and gave a fatherly speech through a fuzzy wireless Internet connection as part of the ceremony.

Perfectly timed, at the end of his shared fatherly wisdom, the connection pooped out. God has a way of making things work out- Sometimes just... long... enough.

I must also add an extra shout out to Ray and Andre who recently came to TGIFriday's where I work. They dined at one of my tables and it was a true pleasure to wait on them. These two nice young men had returned home from Iraq that very morning and simply wanted a normal and tasty meal... no booze, no profanity, no fighting. Ray was quiet and polite, not much of a talker. Andre was polite and joked around some while sharing some of his experiences. These two young men really lightened my load that day.

Thank you... and thank you to all who are currently serving our country, will be serving, have alread served, and everyone else who may be touched by this.

From disaster to goosebumps of joy... this covers it all.

Sunday morning was disastrous. Saturday evening was pretty frightening too.

I returned home from work around 11pm on Saturday and discovered that the front door was completely unlocked. No big deal except that my parents were out for the weekend... and there were a bunch of rotten apples all over the front entry of the house... and there was a paper ghost and a bag of candy on the front porch... and the dog was whimpering at the back door when I came in the garage. Holy cow, what broke loose? Why can't life just be normal for once. Never. Nada. Nuh-uh. On my time clock, normalcy does not exist.

I would have grabbed the dog and escaped to my friend's house for the night if it weren't for the fact that the parents have a security system on the house. The front door was unlocked, but was (thankfully) neither opened nor entered between the time my parents left the house and the time I returned to it. If it had been... I may have come home to find cops there waiting for me. Wouldn't that have been fun? I mean, 'Wouldn't that have been fun.' It was a statement of sarcasm, not a question. I love the English language.

Rotten apples. Well, uh, there were bags of apples on the front walkway of our house from the lady who shares the back fence. Someone (*cough*DAD*cough*) brought them inside and left them on a seat near the front door. He must have wanted to attract flies because half of them were ROTTEN.

I'm sure the paper ghost and bag of candy was a ding-dong-ditch effort. According to the note, someone at church was continuing a spread-the-holiday-fun tactic and left it on our porch after having the same done to them. For the record, I fully support cool stuff like this. However, the ding-dong part of the fun (and this is my theory) made the dog go crazy. In her crazy state near the door barking her butt off, she must have bumped the seat where the bags of apples were causing them to topple over on her, and all over the front entry way... hence the apple catastrophe and the whimpering dog upon my arrival.

Never ever ever a dull moment. Oh, it gets better.

I calmed the dog, brought the ghost goodies in, and deposited the apples back outside. Order was restored.

Until Sunday morning.

I came downstairs, after having budgeted my sleep to ensure a perfectly timed morning. I walked into the kitchen and -Sploosh! Glossh! Squirsh!- someone installed a pool where the kitchen had been... and doggone it, they forgot to heat it! Brrrr....

The water line to the freezer's ice-maker busted earlier in the week. Luckily, it was while the parents were still up and it flooded, but not TOO much. Dad fixed something the next day and all was well. Sunday morning, apparently it busted again. For all I know, the stupid thing had an aneurysm 2 minutes after I went to sleep and was leaking ALL NIGHT LONG. I spent my morning removing water from the floor and carpet, moving the refrigerator, and being drenched with explosive cold water while trying to reach the shut-off valve.

Again, never a dull moment.

I did everything I could, and managed to get myself out of the house only 20 minutes behind my targeted time. My motivation was the insanity... I had to g-e-t- a-w-a-y.

Upon leaving, I opened the garage and noticed that... it snowed. That very Sunday, October 7th 2007, for the record, was the first snow for Anchorage, Alaska this year. It was a mere light dusting, but hey, nearly 2 days later it's still here. It makes me almost proud that it is so hardy, yet at the same time I'm upset. I was hoping it would hold out at least another 2 weeks before any snow set foot here at sea level. Grrrrr. I mean, 'Brrrrrr'. Nope, I do mean, 'Grrrrrrr'.

Keep reading after the photos....

So, despite all the happenings of the weekend, it was an excellent one. Sunday I was really cheerful after I was able to leave the house. Y'know, lately I have been in a great mood, wonderful even.... and it just occurred to me that the title of my blog itself may just seem appropriately applicable at this moment. Oooh, I have goosebumps. You see, I have begun dating a very nice guy up here. He's different. He's cautious, careful, charitable, and considerate. He loves his family and has a good relationship with them. He's respectful and chivalrous. He listens, but he can also hold his own in a conversation. He's thoughtful and kind. He's honest, and voices his opinion. Best of all at the moment... his presence, his light, in my life is causing me to smile a whole lot, to feel happy, joyful, and elated.

Indeed, "One person can make a difference"...

I'm back and connected... with news.

Here are some meanderings that have been cooped up too long - Brace yourself.

Hopefully y’all know by now that I called off the engagement, the wedding, everything. If you didn’t know, then now you do. If you didn’t even know that I was engaged, then by golly you didn’t miss much. Eh?

Please don’t bother me with a million “why”s regarding the aforementioned piece of news. You won’t get an answer that will make you go, “Ok, I understand”. So again, please don’t come looking for one.

I am unable right now to put any coherent explanation together in writing. Heck, I can barely express myself in the audio form of communication. Just let everything sit well with the simple fact that there are many good roads to traverse in life. I do want to get married someday. That road is definitely ahead of me. I thought this was the right person, and the right time. I was wrong. God and I have an interesting relationship. I ask if I should go through with this or that, and He waits for me to make a decision, then intervenes if necessary to rearrange things.

It was as if He were tapping me on the shoulder for a little while, and I kinda brushed Him off thinking what I was feeling was the usual nerves or cold feet. One day (it was a Thursday morning, I remember it clearly) I woke up and I felt inside like God sat me down (as a good father would) and said, “I was trying to tell you something nice and quietly and you weren’t listening. Now I’m turning up the volume young lady. You need to do something about all this and you need to do it NOW.” From that moment till the day I finally called it off, I was a walking wreck.

Now... I feel like a big cement block has been lifted off my shoulders.

On to brighter subjects....

Along with working as a photographer at a studio, I also work as a waitress most nights. To say the least, I keep plenty busy... 62 hours on a good week kind of busy (I just did the minimum calculation). Now you see why I’m not heard from very often. So tired.

Back to my point. Between both jobs, I meet a TON of people, and have come to some conclusions about different things. Some serious, some hilarious, enjoy.

-The average American family with two point three children are quick to contort the one point two minutes it takes to get a children’s milk from the bar into a drawn-out twenty-minute wait.... then will proceed to cry to a manager about their falsified issues knowing it will annoy him and he will shut them up by taking one of their entrees off the bill. THEN they won’t leave a tip.

-Overweight people leave benches and chairs cleaner when they leave a restaurant than skinny people.

-Parties of more than 15 people (at both the restaurant and photo studio) will inevitably need separate checks and will wait till the last minute to request them.

-People will run from a single moth as if it were godzilla coming to eat them.

-Yelling at your children will not make them smile!

-Hitting your children will not make them smile!

-Yelling at and hitting your children will not make them eat either!

-There are people in existence who will order a meal with the word “chicken” in it’s title and then not eat it because they don’t like chicken. (Stupidity is rampant!)

-The external flash will always die halfway through shooting photos of cute kids belonging to mean parents.

Ok, I’m done for today. I have to go to sleep. *Yawn!*

Gooooood-night!!!

Sharing some thoughts...

I once wrote, "...there's a reason and a season for everything. As to what's gonna happen in the next six months... year... 5 years... it's in God's hands. I'm just gonna go with the flow."

I still stand behind that 100%.

Over the last few years I've been through a lot... good and bad... and if I had it all to do over, I wouldn't change one thing. We, each of us, are on a great adventure called LIFE. Some patches are rough and seemingly unbearable. Others are easy breazy and silky smooth. Without one, we wouldn't know and appreciate the other. Opposition in all things is a necessity for understanding and gaining the capability to live life to the fullest.

I have been blessed with a good family, and I love them very much. I am so very grateful for my friends and the blessings they are in my life. Being so far away from home, my friends don't just feel like family... they ARE family... and I love it.

I am grateful for God, my Heavenly Father, The Man Upstairs... whatever one chooses to call Him... He is always there for us, His children. He watches over us and guides us, but allows us to make our own choices. Whenever I may feel lonely, it's not God who has stepped away from me... if there's ever any distance... it's mine.

I know that our elder brother, Jesus Christ, created this wonderful and beautiful world for us under the direction of our Heavenly Father. I know that He came to this world a mere mortal babe and grew to a mighty man who worked endless miracles, blessed the children, and who died for all mankind to be saved from physical and spiritual death... the latter dependent upon our own 'performance' and what we carry in our hearts while here on earth.

Take care, and God bless.