THAT is the woman I see in the mirror...

I was the bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding two weeks ago. I told the photographer, also a friend of mine, that I would happily be in any photo as long as I never have to see them.

And then yesterday happened.

The photos were uploaded to Facebook. I have been off and on again close to tears since seeing them.

I see myself in the photos, and that is not the woman I see in the mirror each morning.  The photo with this post... THAT is the woman I see in the morning. She's fluffy, but she's adorable and has a bit of pizzazz in her step.

I’m pretty real with myself about my body image. I know I am overweight, I have struggled with this my entire life… and I know it takes the world’s opinion about my level of attractiveness and kicks it in the shins. However, the photos made me feel like the ugliest and most unwanted person on the face of the earth (and it wasn’t the photographer, she did a great job on the wedding photos).

The last time I saw the clock before going to sleep, it was about 2am. I woke up multiple times during the night and come 7am, I got up with no alarm because I had nightmares about the photos all night and didn’t want to return to them. I arrived to work at 8:40am.  To most, this is a fairly normal arrival time.  For me… well, it was significantly early for my I’m-not-a-morning-person 10am-6pm schedule.

My anxiety triggers are generally anything to do with motor vehicles, and large groups of people/social situations.  Apparently, so is my body image.  I try to be strong and tough about it, but it is getting more difficult to cope with. 

I work hard to eat healthy. Heck, I eat healthier than most of my thinner friends. Seriously. Not fair? Yeah, I know. Exercise is something I need to work harder to include in my life; I know this. I have heard often that with weight loss, it’s like 80% diet and 20% exercise – so you’d think I’d be able to tackle this better.

Case in point, I am going to start a new chapter of becoming well again.

I’m tired of everything, and changes need to be made.  I’m especially tired of the last few years of being treated like a guinea pig/lab rat by various medical providers. Between the aftermath and effects of being hit by that drunk driver almost 10 years ago, my weight, and multiple misdiagnoses regarding what’s going on in my brain (currently we're down to temporal lobe seizure activity, anxiety, and possible PTSD)… I’ve been medicated off and on with several variations of poison for the last 5 years.  I’ve been put on Dextroamphetamine (Dexedrine), Lamotrigine (Lamictal), Tegretol (Carbamazepine), and the most recent round was Celexa (citalopram) – and it destroyed me.  I gotta tell you, the Lamotrigine and Celexa were the worst. Oh. My. Heck.

My next neurology appointment is in June, with an MRI scheduled during May.  I’m going to call my neurologist next week and tell him I don’t want to be put on any other medication until I see him again. Until then, I will be doing a cleanse and exploring some natural/homeopathic options for the anxiety, which will include working to get my weight down. I can’t control what happens on the roads, or how I react to social situations, but my weight… that’s something I can (with great effort) control. Right? Right???

Wish me luck, send over some prayers, and everything will be OK.

The Friend Zone

I was asked to write a blog entry about a recent conversation I had with a good friend of mine.

I have been working for a few days on an applicable post and... it keeps turning into an angry ranting session. I don't want that on this blog.

So, I have decided to share the conversation. I have edited the convesrsation somewhat to protect the identity of my friend and to bring out the best of true, sincere, and raw emotion.

Please read this gently, and with an understanding heart. This illustrates the feelings and frustrations of millions of women (and men even) around the world. I've had similar conversations with many of my friends over the past few years, it was high time for this to enter the borders of my blog.

"Me" is obviously my side of the conversation. "A.G.C." is my friend, short for "A Good Catch".

This is dedicated to everyone who understands.

A.G.C.: Why do boys have to be so freaking retarded!?!… I never feel pretty enough, or funny enough, or whatever enough… I don't look like [insert name here], and therefore I feel un-datable sometimes.

Me: Amen, Amen, and AMEN… Who's [insert name here]?

A.G.C.: “…that girl that all the guys want to date… The skinny fun girl… one of those girls that I'll never be.

Me: You don't have to be her, or like her. Nobody does, including me. These great guys in your life are stupid not to pursue you. I don't understand them.

A.G.C.: I know. I don't either.

Me: I don't know what to tell you though. I've been in the same boat. If there were a miracle dating cure, I'd drive it to [insert location here] RIGHT NOW. I wish I could make all the wonderful guys we know see how awesome you are and realize that they have the catch of their lifetime right before them.

A.G.C.: I do too. Because I am a dang good catch.

Me: HECK YEAH

A.G.C.: But they can't seem to see past these extra pounds or something.

Me: My extra pounds are better doors than windows too. Pounds or not though, I want to find a man who sees me when others don't. Don't you?

“I want to find a man who sees me when others don’t…”

Me: The question being, where are those guys?

A.G.C.: Totally. Exactly!! We need to find those guys!

A.G.C.: At least we know that when we find a guy he will love us!!

A.G.C.: I just need to stop worrying about it but it's hard.

Me: That is so true. Same with friends... we know why our friends are there with us... certainly not because we look like runway models. Heavy people attract those who tend not to be... what's that word?... fickle?

Me: It's frustrating too.

A.G.C.: Yeah.

A.G.C.: And I think that it is easier for some strange reason for a girl to look past the outside while for a guy he just seems to see the outside.

Me: Yup... it does tend to be that way

A.G.C.: I just want to shake them and be like open your real eyes!!!

Me: Oh yeah.

Me: You know what I am starting to loathe?

A.G.C.: What?

Me: Being the "safe" date... that friend who’s a girl that guys are comfortable with because "I'm cool like that"...

A.G.C.: I know!!

A.G.C.: I go straight to the friend zone.

“I go straight to the friend zone.”

Me: We could invent a new monopoly game... "Don't pass go, don't collect $200, go straight to the friend zone!"

A.G.C.: Exactly, like the go to jail card but the friend zone!

A.G.C.: Like Go is a real date with maybe a kiss or a hand hold and we just stay in the friend zone and never get those stupid doubles to get us out!!!

Me: The dice are weighted

A.G.C.: Yep. Weighted for the skinny girls.

A.G.C.: That needs to be a blog!!!

Me: Is that a request?

A.G.C.: Yes!!

Me: Ok..... give me a couple days....

A.G.C.: Okay, I will. You'll be able to write it in a better way than I could.

Me: Well thank you. I'm flattered.

Me: Ooh! i'm so excited! This one's gonna be good. Oh, here's a funny quote. My mom was watching the tv show "King of Queens" and I heard the leading man say, "I'm gigantic, and I'm fair-skinned...the beach isn't the best spot for me."

Me: Cracked me up good!

A.G.C.: Yeah!!

A.G.C.: That's me!

Me: Me too!

Me: I was thinking at work that there should be sitcoms on featuring heavier women who are happy and successful. There are ones with heavier men, married to skinny women... and the men are often portrayed as somewhat mishaps. The Rosanne show was cool, but of course the family HAD to be dysfunctional and loud and obnoxious.

Me: It makes no sense

A.G.C.: Yeah. I totally agree.

Me: We need more positive publicity

“We need more positive publicity.”

A.G.C.: There's quite a few with a large husband and a small wife

Me: Of course, because big men are adorable. Didn't the instruction manual on life include that in your edition?

A.G.C.: Oh right....

A.G.C.: And big women are crazy and like cats.

Me: Yes, and teach kindergarten and wear big floral prints

A.G.C.: Exactly!!!

A.G.C.: But I wouldn't mind teaching Kindergarten.

Me: We need to find a movie that I LOVE. It's called "Fat like Me"

A.G.C.: Okay.

Me: I wish men who are extra-poundage-phobic in the dating realm were consistent and carried it through to the friend realm. It would make things less confusing... but at the same time maybe people can change....???

Breakfast Post

This is an I'm-multi-tasking-eating-breakfast-and-posting-in-my-blog-at-the-same-time morning.

That one I promised about the trip with my dad to get my car? Don't worry, it's coming... eventually.

Just a quick update on life:

I AM KEEPING VERY BUSY.

(Thank goodness.)

The dating scene is gone - don't cry about it. I just had the feeling, intuition, whatever you want to call it, that I shouldn't be dating the young man I was. About a week ago I called it off. I'm sure billions of women around the world, if they knew, would come and kick my tail-end over it. He's a really nice and caring guy, and so many women out there never encounter such kindness in a relationship. We just weren't meant to be, and that's that. 12/20/2007 Note: Any hint of kindness abruptly ended one week after the breakup. He went off his rocker. Scared the crap out of me for weeks... and when I say 'scared' I mean it. I just don't get it. This is the time in our lives where dating and breaking up is normal, and part of the process to find that one special someone. It hurts sometimes, but it is to be taken in stride and not used as an excuse to harass and stalk people.

People are already starting to dabble in my personal dating (or non-dating) life. Some get thrills from setting people up. Word to the masses:

I'm not one to be on the prowl in regards to dating.

I'm not even really looking - just living.

Doggone it, I barely even have time to eat breakfast, let alone date. Speaking of which, I have to run to work NOW.

Have a great day.

Tomorrow

Well, I have this great blog of the trip dad and I went on to Soldotna recently to pick up my car and... I can't finish it yet. It's a "pictures included" blog entry and blogger.com is experiencing issues with uploading photos at the moment. Argh.

I just wanted to write a little today. I'm waiting for my laundry to finish so I can go to bed and face tomorrow's fun (ha ha) schedule, even though I have the day off from work:

5:15am - Roll out of bed, shower, get dressed, and eat breakfast in no particular order.
6:40am - Brush teeth.
6:45am - Freeze butt off while scraping ice off car windows then leave the house.
7:30am - Check in and do paperwork at Alaska Regional Hospital's front desk.
7:45am - Check in somewhere else and do more paperwork. Wait.
8:00am - MRI scan done on leg where a hematoma (or so we think it is) still resides from being hit by a drunk driver two years ago.
9:00am to 12:50pm - Hunt down, find, and purchase a decent external flash for my camera, a bundle of 800 ISO film, face paints, maybe get a haircut, eat lunch, save the world, clean up, change clothes, yadda yadda yadda.
12:55pm - Brush teeth.
1:00pm - Pray the roads are dry and I'm not clear across town right now.
1:30pm - Meet up with my friend and her fiance to discuss last minute details for their wedding photography and hopefully catch a few cute moments while I'm at it.
4:00pm - Be Ms. Photographer for the wedding and try not to cry.
6:00pm - Change into my costume in preparation for the young single adult Halloween dance out in Eagle River.
6:55pm - Brush teeth.
7:00pm - Hopefully be ready to leave for that dance and maybe arrive early to help set up.
8:00pm - Dance begins. Have fun.
12:00am - Dance ends. Drive home safely.
12:30am - Brush teeth.
12:35am - Crawl into bed and be comatose for the next 7 hours.

Y'know, I used to color-code my daily schedule down to the minute. It lasted maybe a year, then I drove myself crazy. I was thinking about picking up that habit again... and I just remembered why I don't. S-T-R-E-S-S. Such detailed scheduling is good for some, not for all. I travel with the "all" folks on this one.

Speaking of traveling, I had 3 people at a table today visiting from Utah for a few weeks on a job-related trip. They told me they didn't like Alaska. I told them I didn't like Utah.

They left a great tip when they left.

One more point towards the fact that honesty is the best policy. If I had lied and told them how much I loved Utah and that I wanted to go back so bad, they probably would have been able to read the lies in my face. I refuse to lie to people in hopes of getting bigger tips. It's a ludicrous habit and will bite my coworkers in the butt one day.

Ah, the sound of the dryer stopping.... full of warm sheets ready to put on my bed.

Goodnight, I'm outa here!