The musings of Paj Dawb (Hmong for "White Flower") - I serve the mentally ill/disabled by day, teach piano by night, and spent 6 years worshiping side-by-side with the Hmong branch of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Alaska. There's nothing average to see here...
Friday, April 30, 2010
As long as it's your best...
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Yes, that great.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
God threw the cherry on top...
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
The Friend Zone
I have been working for a few days on an applicable post and... it keeps turning into an angry ranting session. I don't want that on this blog.
So, I have decided to share the conversation. I have edited the convesrsation somewhat to protect the identity of my friend and to bring out the best of true, sincere, and raw emotion.
Please read this gently, and with an understanding heart. This illustrates the feelings and frustrations of millions of women (and men even) around the world. I've had similar conversations with many of my friends over the past few years, it was high time for this to enter the borders of my blog.
"Me" is obviously my side of the conversation. "A.G.C." is my friend, short for "A Good Catch".
This is dedicated to everyone who understands.
A.G.C.: Why do boys have to be so freaking retarded!?!… I never feel pretty enough, or funny enough, or whatever enough… I don't look like [insert name here], and therefore I feel un-datable sometimes.
Me: Amen, Amen, and AMEN… Who's [insert name here]?
A.G.C.: “…that girl that all the guys want to date… The skinny fun girl… one of those girls that I'll never be.
Me: You don't have to be her, or like her. Nobody does, including me. These great guys in your life are stupid not to pursue you. I don't understand them.
A.G.C.: I know. I don't either.
Me: I don't know what to tell you though. I've been in the same boat. If there were a miracle dating cure, I'd drive it to [insert location here] RIGHT NOW. I wish I could make all the wonderful guys we know see how awesome you are and realize that they have the catch of their lifetime right before them.
A.G.C.: I do too. Because I am a dang good catch.
Me: HECK YEAH
A.G.C.: But they can't seem to see past these extra pounds or something.
Me: The question being, where are those guys?
A.G.C.: Totally. Exactly!! We need to find those guys!
A.G.C.: At least we know that when we find a guy he will love us!!
A.G.C.: I just need to stop worrying about it but it's hard.
Me: That is so true. Same with friends... we know why our friends are there with us... certainly not because we look like runway models. Heavy people attract those who tend not to be... what's that word?... fickle?
Me: It's frustrating too.
A.G.C.: Yeah.
A.G.C.: And I think that it is easier for some strange reason for a girl to look past the outside while for a guy he just seems to see the outside.
Me: Yup... it does tend to be that way
A.G.C.: I just want to shake them and be like open your real eyes!!!
Me: Oh yeah.
Me: You know what I am starting to loathe?
A.G.C.: What?
Me: Being the "safe" date... that friend who’s a girl that guys are comfortable with because "I'm cool like that"...
A.G.C.: I know!!
Me: We could invent a new monopoly game... "Don't pass go, don't collect $200, go straight to the friend zone!"
A.G.C.: Exactly, like the go to jail card but the friend zone!
A.G.C.: Like Go is a real date with maybe a kiss or a hand hold and we just stay in the friend zone and never get those stupid doubles to get us out!!!
Me: The dice are weighted
A.G.C.: Yep. Weighted for the skinny girls.
A.G.C.: That needs to be a blog!!!
Me: Is that a request?
A.G.C.: Yes!!
Me: Ok..... give me a couple days....
A.G.C.: Okay, I will. You'll be able to write it in a better way than I could.
Me: Well thank you. I'm flattered.
Me: Ooh! i'm so excited! This one's gonna be good. Oh, here's a funny quote. My mom was watching the tv show "King of Queens" and I heard the leading man say, "I'm gigantic, and I'm fair-skinned...the beach isn't the best spot for me."
Me: Cracked me up good!
A.G.C.: Yeah!!
A.G.C.: That's me!
Me: Me too!
Me: I was thinking at work that there should be sitcoms on featuring heavier women who are happy and successful. There are ones with heavier men, married to skinny women... and the men are often portrayed as somewhat mishaps. The Rosanne show was cool, but of course the family HAD to be dysfunctional and loud and obnoxious.
Me: It makes no sense
A.G.C.: Yeah. I totally agree.
Me: We need more positive publicity
A.G.C.: There's quite a few with a large husband and a small wife
Me: Of course, because big men are adorable. Didn't the instruction manual on life include that in your edition?
A.G.C.: Oh right....
A.G.C.: And big women are crazy and like cats.
Me: Yes, and teach kindergarten and wear big floral prints
A.G.C.: Exactly!!!
A.G.C.: But I wouldn't mind teaching Kindergarten.
Me: We need to find a movie that I LOVE. It's called "Fat like Me"
A.G.C.: Okay.
Me: I wish men who are extra-poundage-phobic in the dating realm were consistent and carried it through to the friend realm. It would make things less confusing... but at the same time maybe people can change....???
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Nearly 13 years...

- A couple months shy of 13 years ago, this great man was called of God to serve as the prophet, seer, and revelator for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
- After church on Sunday, I heard word that He had passed away just hours before.
- I didn't completely believe it.
- The little child that exists in all of us, no matter what age, told me it couldn't be so.
- Sadly, it was.
- President Gordon B. Hinckley passed away Sunday evening at home with his family at the age of 97, making him the oldest living prophet the church has ever had.
- Now he is not only with Heavenly Father again... but he has now rejoined his wife and eternal companion. How great is that? I think it's absolutely wonderful.
Friday, January 25, 2008
In Memory Of...
I received an email today from a dear friend of mine. Her step-father peacefully passed away this morning in the loving arms of his wife.I used to live with this family. helped around the house and with Slade. He had Parkinson's and was not very mobile.
In Slade's honor, I'd like to write some memories that are forever burned in my heart, and now also into the trappings of the World Wide Web.
My memories of Slade:
He loved his wife.
He was always so proud of his grandson.
He really REALLY liked chocolate.
He also liked gingersnap cookies. I used to hate gingersnaps but since I spent time with Slade, they have risen to my favorite cookie zone, second only to oatmeal-raisin.
He forgot my name a lot and used to call me Josie. It was cute, always made me smile.
The man was a genius.
He was witty and would crack a joke out of nowhere leaving everyone rolling.
He loved the sunshine.
He enjoyed history. We spent an entire afternoon once watching 'Sparticus' on the History Channel. It came on again the following week and what did we do? We watched it again.
I watched more news shows with Slade than I have in the rest of my life all together. Our favorite was Glenn Beck who is like a columnist, but on television.
He taught me about Nascar. I never thought I could watch cars drive in circles for hours, but with Slade it was tolerable.
He liked the feeling of having his hair brushed.
His laugh was jovial and contagious.
Whenever I pushed his wheelchair, since I'm from Alaska, he would yell out, "Mush! Mush!" as if he were driving a dog team.
He was very hard-shelled regarding having pets. However, one day he opened up and told me about a dog he grew up with and loved very much. That story came up once, and only once.
He liked red hair. I think that's what initially won him over when I moved in. That and the fact that I was from Alaska.
I have many more memories stored in my heart... and they will be there forever.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
I ventured outside in the cold for you
I am constantly around others. At work, at home, out and about... I just never seem to get away from people.
Today I don't work till the evening shift at the restaurant. Yay! Time to sleep in, finish Christmas shopping/creating, and the opportunity to not only make breakfast but to sit down and eat it too.
During the making of breakfast I had a visitor near the kitchen window. Yes, it was the hairy madame you stole a glance at above. She's not as big as she could be and I'm not new to the sightings of moose, why take a picture then? Escpecially when I was in the middle of my ME-therapy morning?
Well, I was thinking of you.
Yes, YOU.
I opened the door with a camera in my hand ready to take a great photo. The door squeeked and Miss Madame Moose ran next door. In pink fuzzy slippers, jeans, and my "I-am-doing-laundry" teddy-bear scrubs top, I ventured outside in the cold for you (it's 1 below zero at the moment) and captured my Thursday morning sighting to share with you. And with you, and you, and you too.
Even in those moments when I take some time to think of me, something will always come by to redirect my mind and heart to thoughts of you... I can't complain, I'm never alone.
Merry Christmas to everyone in my life...
I love you.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
A Tribute


Monday, November 5, 2007
Breakfast Post
That one I promised about the trip with my dad to get my car? Don't worry, it's coming... eventually.
Just a quick update on life:
The dating scene is gone - don't cry about it. I just had the feeling, intuition, whatever you want to call it, that I shouldn't be dating the young man I was. About a week ago I called it off. I'm sure billions of women around the world, if they knew, would come and kick my tail-end over it. He's a really nice and caring guy, and so many women out there never encounter such kindness in a relationship. We just weren't meant to be, and that's that. 12/20/2007 Note: Any hint of kindness abruptly ended one week after the breakup. He went off his rocker. Scared the crap out of me for weeks... and when I say 'scared' I mean it. I just don't get it. This is the time in our lives where dating and breaking up is normal, and part of the process to find that one special someone. It hurts sometimes, but it is to be taken in stride and not used as an excuse to harass and stalk people.
People are already starting to dabble in my personal dating (or non-dating) life. Some get thrills from setting people up. Word to the masses:
Doggone it, I barely even have time to eat breakfast, let alone date. Speaking of which, I have to run to work NOW.
Have a great day.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
From disaster to goosebumps of joy... this covers it all.
I returned home from work around 11pm on Saturday and discovered that the front door was completely unlocked. No big deal except that my parents were out for the weekend... and there were a bunch of rotten apples all over the front entry of the house... and there was a paper ghost and a bag of candy on the front porch... and the dog was whimpering at the back door when I came in the garage. Holy cow, what broke loose? Why can't life just be normal for once. Never. Nada. Nuh-uh. On my time clock, normalcy does not exist.
I would have grabbed the dog and escaped to my friend's house for the night if it weren't for the fact that the parents have a security system on the house. The front door was unlocked, but was (thankfully) neither opened nor entered between the time my parents left the house and the time I returned to it. If it had been... I may have come home to find cops there waiting for me. Wouldn't that have been fun? I mean, 'Wouldn't that have been fun.' It was a statement of sarcasm, not a question. I love the English language.
Rotten apples. Well, uh, there were bags of apples on the front walkway of our house from the lady who shares the back fence. Someone (*cough*DAD*cough*) brought them inside and left them on a seat near the front door. He must have wanted to attract flies because half of them were ROTTEN.
I'm sure the paper ghost and bag of candy was a ding-dong-ditch effort. According to the note, someone at church was continuing a spread-the-holiday-fun tactic and left it on our porch after having the same done to them. For the record, I fully support cool stuff like this. However, the ding-dong part of the fun (and this is my theory) made the dog go crazy. In her crazy state near the door barking her butt off, she must have bumped the seat where the bags of apples were causing them to topple over on her, and all over the front entry way... hence the apple catastrophe and the whimpering dog upon my arrival.
Never ever ever a dull moment. Oh, it gets better.
I calmed the dog, brought the ghost goodies in, and deposited the apples back outside. Order was restored.
Until Sunday morning.
I came downstairs, after having budgeted my sleep to ensure a perfectly timed morning. I walked into the kitchen and -Sploosh! Glossh! Squirsh!- someone installed a pool where the kitchen had been... and doggone it, they forgot to heat it! Brrrr....
The water line to the freezer's ice-maker busted earlier in the week. Luckily, it was while the parents were still up and it flooded, but not TOO much. Dad fixed something the next day and all was well. Sunday morning, apparently it busted again. For all I know, the stupid thing had an aneurysm 2 minutes after I went to sleep and was leaking ALL NIGHT LONG. I spent my morning removing water from the floor and carpet, moving the refrigerator, and being drenched with explosive cold water while trying to reach the shut-off valve.
Again, never a dull moment.
I did everything I could, and managed to get myself out of the house only 20 minutes behind my targeted time. My motivation was the insanity... I had to g-e-t- a-w-a-y.
Upon leaving, I opened the garage and noticed that... it snowed. That very Sunday, October 7th 2007, for the record, was the first snow for Anchorage, Alaska this year. It was a mere light dusting, but hey, nearly 2 days later it's still here. It makes me almost proud that it is so hardy, yet at the same time I'm upset. I was hoping it would hold out at least another 2 weeks before any snow set foot here at sea level. Grrrrr. I mean, 'Brrrrrr'. Nope, I do mean, 'Grrrrrrr'.
Keep reading after the photos....
So, despite all the happenings of the weekend, it was an excellent one. Sunday I was really cheerful after I was able to leave the house. Y'know, lately I have been in a great mood, wonderful even.... and it just occurred to me that the title of my blog itself may just seem appropriately applicable at this moment. Oooh, I have goosebumps. You see, I have begun dating a very nice guy up here. He's different. He's cautious, careful, charitable, and considerate. He loves his family and has a good relationship with them. He's respectful and chivalrous. He listens, but he can also hold his own in a conversation. He's thoughtful and kind. He's honest, and voices his opinion. Best of all at the moment... his presence, his light, in my life is causing me to smile a whole lot, to feel happy, joyful, and elated.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Home Again.
After living between Utah and Maryland since June 2003, I have finally returned home to Alaska.
My new motto: I don't belong anywhere South of Canada.
I returned home on August 29th. My parents couldn't cancel their travel plans after I called off the wedding so they came out and visited for the heck of it instead. I enjoyed having them in my domain, meeting my friends and "adopted" family, and watching them squirm on the Washington D.C. Beltway... only my most favorite road to travel.
My father returned to Alaska earlier than my mom, which gave us some time to travel North and visit her family in Upstate New York. I drove us up there, and I drove us back from there... and we managed not to kill each other. We even spent a fair amount of time laughing our tails off, admiring handsome men from the Middle East (New Jersey is full of 'em), and talking trash about toll roads. It was beautiful.
I wasn't sorry when I left Utah in 2004, not one bit. However, I am sad to have left the life I had in Maryland. I grew close to some of the most amazing people ever, whom I love so dearly. I learned a lot, drove a lot, laughed a lot, cried a lot, worked a lot, loved a lot, hurt a lot, changed a lot... Maryland is a very little state but, as you can see, it has a LOT of potential.
Alaska has a lot to offer too. First and foremost, it's home. I know my upcoming experiences back home will also be filled with a lot of learning, driving, laughing, crying, working, loving, hurting, and changing... because that's what life is all about. Well, maybe not the driving, but if you've ever lived in the Maryland/D.C. area you understand how lengthy drives become an indisputable part of life. I learned that I do my best thinking while I'm in the car... therefore, it's a hefty part of my life.
That's it for today. I pray this finds many people doing well.
Joanna
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Lesson on love...
I did find her again, and someone else had by then pulled over and was helping replace her tire. My brain was bummed out over the fact that I didn’t get to help her (hey, I’m imperfect and still very human). HOWEVER, my heart felt this new sincere love for this woman... and I was overjoyed knowing that she was being helped by someone.
I didn’t have to be me.
The woman today was blessed with a stranger wielding a lug-wrench. The stranger was blessed with the joy of serving another of God’s children. And I... I was blessed with a simple lesson on love.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I'm back and connected... with news.
Hopefully y’all know by now that I called off the engagement, the wedding, everything. If you didn’t know, then now you do. If you didn’t even know that I was engaged, then by golly you didn’t miss much. Eh?
Please don’t bother me with a million “why”s regarding the aforementioned piece of news. You won’t get an answer that will make you go, “Ok, I understand”. So again, please don’t come looking for one.
I am unable right now to put any coherent explanation together in writing. Heck, I can barely express myself in the audio form of communication. Just let everything sit well with the simple fact that there are many good roads to traverse in life. I do want to get married someday. That road is definitely ahead of me. I thought this was the right person, and the right time. I was wrong. God and I have an interesting relationship. I ask if I should go through with this or that, and He waits for me to make a decision, then intervenes if necessary to rearrange things.
It was as if He were tapping me on the shoulder for a little while, and I kinda brushed Him off thinking what I was feeling was the usual nerves or cold feet. One day (it was a Thursday morning, I remember it clearly) I woke up and I felt inside like God sat me down (as a good father would) and said, “I was trying to tell you something nice and quietly and you weren’t listening. Now I’m turning up the volume young lady. You need to do something about all this and you need to do it NOW.” From that moment till the day I finally called it off, I was a walking wreck.
Now... I feel like a big cement block has been lifted off my shoulders.
On to brighter subjects....
Along with working as a photographer at a studio, I also work as a waitress most nights. To say the least, I keep plenty busy... 62 hours on a good week kind of busy (I just did the minimum calculation). Now you see why I’m not heard from very often. So tired.
Back to my point. Between both jobs, I meet a TON of people, and have come to some conclusions about different things. Some serious, some hilarious, enjoy.
-The average American family with two point three children are quick to contort the one point two minutes it takes to get a children’s milk from the bar into a drawn-out twenty-minute wait.... then will proceed to cry to a manager about their falsified issues knowing it will annoy him and he will shut them up by taking one of their entrees off the bill. THEN they won’t leave a tip.
-Overweight people leave benches and chairs cleaner when they leave a restaurant than skinny people.
-Parties of more than 15 people (at both the restaurant and photo studio) will inevitably need separate checks and will wait till the last minute to request them.
-People will run from a single moth as if it were godzilla coming to eat them.
-Yelling at your children will not make them smile!
-Hitting your children will not make them smile!
-Yelling at and hitting your children will not make them eat either!
-There are people in existence who will order a meal with the word “chicken” in it’s title and then not eat it because they don’t like chicken. (Stupidity is rampant!)
-The external flash will always die halfway through shooting photos of cute kids belonging to mean parents.
Ok, I’m done for today. I have to go to sleep. *Yawn!*
Gooooood-night!!!
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Sometimes it just happens that way...
Friday, December 1, 2006
Gasps for air...
Supposed heartbreak can do numbers on a girl.
Knowing the culprit boy, I theorize that he's a wee bit frightened. They're both young, and unstable in many ways. He has very little to offer her right now and is afraid of a declared relationship. She thinks something is wrong with her because of his adversion to committment.
I witness his adoration almost daily. If she could really really see the way he looks at her, and gasps for a little air and sits up straighter when she enters the room... she'd realize that he worships the ground she walks on... and just needs some time to figure out who he is and where he needs to be headed.
I sat with her for an hour, and left her to curl up and watch a chic-flick with her sister since I couldn't bribe her out of the house with anything. Nope, not even the cure-all known as icecream.
As for the volleyball game... I waltzed in late, alone, and lacking our 6th player.
Monday, August 7, 2006
An Ode to Exemplary Kindness
I've had many good days in my life. Wonderful and glorious days! Today was the first day in a very long time that I truly did not...
...I did not want to see it end.
Last night I danced till I was nearly dead. I crashed at Beth's house and hit the pillow at 2:30 in the morning. Beth's alarm clock, and my cell phone alarm, both rang at 5 o-clock sharp. Yes, in the morning. In thirty minutes we were dressed, she ate a nutri-grain bar, and we were in my car headed to the church to meet my friend Jason so we could drive an hour North, meet up with more people, and drive another 2 or so hours to gather with many more LDS young single adults in the area and innertube down a river for 2 hours.
Five thirty-five and Jason was still not there. I figured he miscaluculated the time it takes him to get to the church building, which happens often to both of us. I picked up my cell phone to give him a buzz and he got me first. The ring scared the crap out of me.
"Hello Jason! Where are you?"
"I fell asleep after turning off my alarm... I just got out of bed."
"Are you coming or what?"
"It will take me too long to get ready and drive there. You guys will be late."
"Forget being late, do you want to come?"
"Yeah, I really wanted to go."
"We're coming to get you. I'll call back when I'm closer. Get ready fast."
"You don't have to. You'll be late."
"We won't be late. Get ready."
"Ok. Thanks."
Jason was out his door one minute after Beth and I arrived (we timed him). He asked if Beth and I had eaten breakfast. Beth proclaimed her nutri-grain bar as her meal. I admitted to not eating yet. Jason handed me the extra granola bar he had with him. One hour later we met up with three of our friends at the stake center. They were waiting for two more passengers. My friend Kate called and Beth, Jason, and I zoomed to pick her up and head to the tubing adventure (after, of course, Jason and I meticulously shoved all the crap taking up half the back seat into my already full trunk).
Kate had just met Jason today. Beth had just met Kate today. Jason and Beth had met before. I met Kate a year and a half ago, Beth three months ago, and Jason two months ago. The conversation was pretty constant the entire car ride to our destination. Upon exit from the car, we lathered ourselves with sunblock. Jason and I won the "hi-my-skin-is-translucent" award... and proceeded to put even more sunblock on. The four of us traded our tickets for colored bracelets, innertubes, life jackets, and a ride on a white bus to the river.
The time floating down the river was miraculous. We were out there a long time. We got soaked. We laughed. We joked around. Jason and I quickly knew that with sunscreen or not, we were going to look like lobsters. Oh well, it was worth it.
We got separated for a while. Kate and Beth's tubes caught a strong current headed in one direction, and mine and Jason's tubes caught a strong current going the opposite way. The currents flowed around a huge rock formation where a lot of people were out of the water and gonking around. Jason and I figured the two of them were fine and we'd catch them on the other side so we relaxed and let ourselves float wherever we were taken. We encountered some rapids and my tube flew out from under me. I rode the rest of the rapids 2 feet behind my innertube. Ouch, not fun, but hilarious when I finally hit relatively still water. Jason bravely came to my rescue and there I was all smiley. When we didn't meet up with our tubing buddies as we thought we would, we headed to the rocks to see if we could spot them with a higher view point.
Jason must have found a good spot to hop up on the rocks 'cause he was up fast and then disapeared in the search. The rocks were very steep, and slippery. There was no way to get a foothold underwater to propel myself up. Stubborn me, I pulled myself up with just my arms. Jason appeared on top of another big rock and waved to tell me he found our buddies. While waving back I discovered a lot of blood covering my forearm. Oops, sliced up my elbow pretty good when pulling myself out of the water. Didn't hurt, just got all bloody. Now I'm part of the Earth, left a lot of DNA in that river.
Jason came back for his innertube. He wanted me to jump off the rock with him and belly flop onto our tubes. Did I? Heck no! I'm a natural party pooper, it comes easy to me. I turned around put my behind in the middle of the tube, sat down in the water, and we joined up with Kate and Beth just around the bend. The four of us stayed together until we were done floating down the river. It was grand. Warm water, good friends, and a free peanut butter and jelly sandwhich afterwards thanks to whomever was in charge of the institute/young single adult activity.
The writing about this wonderful day has ended. The cyber ink stops here... and begins again here to share with you the day I wish could have continued forever.
Beth is an amazing girl. She is one of my friends that I adore. Adoration doesn't come easily from me. It is a special form of love geared toward those I know are true conquerers and who stand tall even when the world says they stand out a little. Beth stands tall. She is a dedicated college student, extremely familiar with the gospel, and man, you should hear her sing. She sings like an angel, clear and seamless, though she stutters when she speaks. I believe it's a good thing... with Beth I listen better than with some who are perfectly articulate.
From the beginning, Beth and her innertube weren't traveling down the river quite as quickly as the rest of us. Her efforts to paddle just made things worse. Kate, Jason, and I were downstream significantly, effortlessly being carried by the current. I looked at Jason and asked what we should do. He said, "Let's go get her".
We got ourselves upstream to Beth and the four of us grabbed each others' innertubes, hands, feet (whatever was closest) and took off. We made a good effort to travel connected but it wasn't working that great. We let go and Beth floated ahead for a few feet. Jason commented, "If we can't float together, let's just make sure Beth stays in front. We can push her if that's what it takes."
That's exactly what it took. Pushing, pulling, frequently resting, and getting our butts stuck on rocks we may have avoided had we thought only of ourselves. We played musical innertubes when we crossed over large slippery rock formations by foot so that Beth could focus on walking without worrying about juggling something else. After going over rougher waters, we'd all sit up in our tubes and make sure Beth made it through without capsizing. When Beth fell behind after a strong current, Jason would hurry upstream, she'd grab the handle of his innertube, and he'd help her get to where we were bobbing along. It was a grand reunion each time.
Women tend to come complete with a heavy dose of motherly tendancies. We are natural helpers and protectors. I knew Kate and I were going to go back and travel with Beth at the beginning when her innertube decided it was gonna be a pill. No question about that. Though we differ on our opinions about single's cruises, we're two peas in a pod when it comes to how we treat other people. It's the men in my life that I'm always curious about. Hence why I asked Jason at the beginning what we should do. Regardless of his opinion, I was going back for Beth. I was expecting either a.) he'd choose to continue down the river alone and meet up at the end, or b.) he'd wait in a shallow spot until Kate, Beth, and I caught up. I got c.) Totally wow.
From the 5:35 phone call this morning on, Jason demonstrated the most exemplary "oh-my-gosh-does-this-guy-really-exist?" kindness today. I was truly blown away. There are two little things that change empathy to compassion... desire and action. The desire to lift anothers' burdens and then embarking to do so. An empathetic guy would notice Beth a little behind and recognize that it probably sucks being the last one all separated from the original group of tubers. He'd figure she'd eventually catch up, all is well.
A compassionate guy... did more today.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Better to Have Loved and -Poof!- Lost, Than to Have Never Loved
It's been about a year and a half since this story took place, and I have been trying to journal it for a long time. It was too difficult for me to put into written words and I gave up. Earlier this week I was writing a letter to a friend who's on a mission and I was able to finally write about my experience.
Now, I share it with you (with names changed, as usual).
In Utah I took care of a woman named [Connie]. We used to sing in the shower. When she got cold she made sounds like a motor boat. We liked to laugh a lot. She was fairly lucid, only slight mental problems. She also suffered from congenital heart failure. I got to work one day and she wasn't there. She had been taken to the hospital. Her pulse was racing. The doctors at the hospital gave her an injection to slow it down. It threw her into cardiac arrest and was put on life support. I didn't have to ask to leave work, my boss told me to go see her. I left and found my dear friend in the cardiac intensive care unit (CICU) buried under a pile of tubes and monitors. I sat by her, and grieved until I felt ok letting her die. It was her time and this was no way to live her final days. I even said, "[Connie], go ahead and leave. It's ok to go now."
Nothing happened so I kept talking to her. The nurses continued telling me she couldn't hear me because she was without oxygen so long that everything upstairs was dead. I had to sit in the waiting room during the shift change that night. When I went back to [Connie]'s room it was near the time that visitors have to leave. Cardiac ICU doesnt even allow family to stay the night, let alone care attendants. I sat with her a little longer and while preparing to leave for the night, one of the nurses came in and invited me ot stay with [Connie] overnight. He explained that during the shift change, while I had to be in the waiting room, [Connie]'s vitals dropped to more dangerous levels and when I came back in her room, they got better.
I stayed by her side for three days and three nights. I slept in her wheelchair and only left during shift changes to eat and potty. While I slept that first night, the staff removed [Connie] from the life support. She spoke to me when I woke up. She told me stories and jokes. We laughed like we always did. We sang, we cried, and she was improving amazingly. The staff admitted that they didn't know how all this was happening. I knew [Connie] had a strong spirit.
The third night came and went and the next day she had more visitors from the assisted living home. They insisted that I take a break and go do something to take my mind off things. [Connie] had people there, and she was doing so well that the doctor was getting ready to transfer her to a different floor. I said ok and a friend took me to a movie. We saw The Polar Express. Before leaving [Connie]'s room I gave her a hug and a kiss on the forehead and told her I'd be back soon to tell her about the movie. I walked out her door, stopped, turned around, and said, [Connie], I love you. She looked at me and said, I love you too.
Driving back to the hospital after the movie, my cell phone rang. [Connie] passed away. The 10-minute drive turned into a 5-minute one. The security guard knew me and didn't stop me as I ran in hysterically crying. I got to [Connie]'s room and there she was. She looked like she was sleeping, like any second she'd wake up and ask for her diet coke that was still sitting on the counter with a straw in it. I crawled into the hospital bed with her. She was still warm.
It was beyond my belief. She was there and doing better, and then -poof!- she was gone. Those in the room said she was staring at something and just went. I thought it was my fault. If I hadn't left, maybe she wouldn't have slipped away. The nurse that had me stay with [Connie] came to me and told me she had been waiting for me to feel comfortable enough to leave her side for a while.
[Connie] could have easily passed away when she was on life support and everyone treated her like she was dead anyway. But she didn't. She proved all the doctors wrong and gave me three of the most enriching days of my life. Her spirit knew I needed her influences those last few days, even when I didn't realize it myself. The first night when she was on life support, I told her to go but my spirit must have called her to stay.
Monday, November 21, 2005
I saw mommy kissing Saaaa-nta Clause
I recieved an email from my mother this evening. Attached was a photograph of my father wearing a red flannel shirt, crazy measuring tape suspenders, a red elf hat, and a white beard.
Elf hat? White beard? What?

Thats right folks, you are reading the blog of the luckiest girl in the whole world. I am now living the wildest dream of every kid out there. My dad is Santa Clause. Well, not really THE Santa Clause (discontinue reading this paragraph if youre really sensitive) because Santa doesnt exist. But, my father will be one of two Santas (rotating shifts) at the Sears Mall back home in Alaska this year.
-Sniff- If I could magically get myself to Alaska while hes Santa, I'd stand in line with all the little kids and surprise my dad. The two of us have always been very close and if I did that, Sears Santa would be all soggy with tears. It would be mighty appropriate though, for when dad cries, he sorta does this pseudo laugh thing and his belly shakes just like childrens imaginings of the jovial Santa Clause.
My father is a very selfless and giving man. One of the great examples of my life. His favorite project is, ironically, OP Santa (Operation Santa Clause). My father has read this post and offered clarification on the WHO of the operation for me. (His refining appears below in quotes).
"Op Santa is a joint effort of the National Guard, Alaska Air Guard, Alaska Army Guard, National Guard Bureau, Salvation Army, Anchorage School District, many Churches, and lots of people who gather toys, clothes, and food and distributes them to various villages in the state each year according to need."
Most of my teenage years I helped with man labor to move gathered clothes and such to storage for OP Santa. I also had the opportunity to assist with choosing age appropriate books for all the school children in the villages.
Finally I had the opportunity to fly to the village of Kaltag in 2002 right after my 18th birthday, and truly witness the miracle that takes place with each trip. It was magnificent, and one of the most tremendous sights ever. There was a big feast and music and dancing and joy. The whole village fit in the gymnasium of their small school house without a lick of crowding. There was Santa (not my dad) and Mrs. Clause (I think she was the mayors wife) and the children, teenagers, and elderly ALL took their turn sitting in their laps.
You know I dont believe in Santa Clause (obviously), and Im a religious person who has oft found myself quite sickened by the extreme worldliness of holiday celebration lately. However (and this is a major breakthrough for me), as I recall that trip, and the light that was shining in faces young and old, and remember the joy my heart felt I am coming to grips with the fact that there is one thing that has nothing to do with the religious aspect of the holiday, but adds the perfect amount of charm to the season.
What is it that I type so frantically about? Why of course, its Santa Clause.
Santa Clause, an imperfect man (he's probably a stress eater like the rest of us good folk) with a heart of gold. A man who loves people and desires for their happiness. A man who wears a red suit despite the fact that we all know a black one, which might scare the children, is by far more slimming. A man who perseveres through sleet, snow, reindeer flatulence, cold wind at high speeds, and figuring the best way into a trailor (they have no fireplaces) just to spread joy around the world one night a year. A man who loves everyone, and believes in everyone.
A man who this year, my father looks like and every year, my father IS.
I love you dad.
Always,
Your Little Princess

